A Resolution to Make No More... Um... Yeah.

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A Resolution to Make No More... Um... Yeah.
by J. Edward Tremlett

December 21, 2001

"Down On the rANT Farm"

J. Edward Tremlett One of the great things about modern civilization is that, now that we have gotten away from a purely agrarian lifestyle, we now have more time than ever before to do absolutely nothing.

With this strange void staring us in the face, we feel guilty and try to fill the maw with something that, quite often, also amounts to absolutely nothing. Television, fat-free diets and team bowling are obvious candidates for it, along with strange hobbies like trainspotting, flower-pressing and espionage.

And then every January, after the confetti and silly hats are put away, we get out paper and pencil to spend more of that wonderful, valuable time doing something else that amounts to nothing: New Year’s Resolutions.

These promises made to the self are a tricky and terrible thing. I’m always compelled to make up a list of them at the start of the year but the true reason escapes me.

It seems a lot like flossing your teeth, really. You’re not always sure what good it does, but everyone says you ought to do it. So you go do it, and when you tell others of your having done so with a big, cat-in-the-cream smile they all look at you funny and admit to not having done it after all. So there you are, feeling like your teeth are all about to fall out of your mouth and having little, waxen threads poke your tongue... all for nothing. But at least your Dentist loves you for it...?

Who came up with this crazy idea, anyway? I’m convinced resolutions were introduced into the social structure as a strange form of punishment, maybe to get kids who wound up on Santa’s “naughty” list back on the straight and narrow.

“Don’t like your presents?” Mother bellows: “Well, you can just march right upstairs and write down a hundred things to do and three hundred to NOT do next year, young man.” After a certain point, number one of the “do not do” list becomes “Do not ask Santa for a pony.”

But, eventually we all get older and wiser, grow into become mature adults and realize that Father Christmas is a mean-tempered, Commie pinch-penny. And yet we’re still doing resolutions?

Well... okay - so am I. And this is though I know that I will make that list and then, by the end of the year, not even remember what most of my resolutions were.

The list keeps disappearing, too. I’m convinced that sometime every June I sleepwalk to where it is and tear it to bits. That’s probably also the time that I mail a few outrageous, post-dated checks to people I’ve never heard of just to give my bank some excitement.

Resolutions are problematic because they are non-binding. Much like rules, they’re made to be broken. Take this column, for example: I resolved to write it and send it to someone last December, but it’s just now that I’m finally getting around to putting it somewhere. So here we are, it’s a whole year later, and no one is showing up to put me in jail for my lack of will.

So maybe we should have some sort of “resolutions police,” who will take a copy of your list and pull surprise inspections on would-be dieters, time wasters and fussbudgets. They could appear anywhere, at any time, just to make sure you’re keeping up with your promises. And, if you’re not, they’d write you a fine.

It sounds horribly fascist and yet strangely effective at the same time. I bet some country somewhere gives it a go. Maybe it can be part of our Home Defense?

But, as for the rest of us, resolutions often become rubbish. We know that we’re not going to stop eating desserts, lose ten pounds and switch to decaf all in the same year - at least not without going stark raving mad.

So why do we even try? Probably because we know we should feel guilty about not trying. But then, if we say “I will (not)” and fail to follow through, we feel twice as guilty, and swear twice as hard next year, and then feel three times as guilty, and... well, you’re getting the gist.

So away with self-imposed tyranny! Do what you must, when you must or when you just feel like it. Let the consequences fall where they may, at least until your doctor tells you otherwise, and let fate and fortune do our driving for us.

Let it be resolved: no more resolutions!

And Happy New Year to you, too! ***

“This is your life and you be what you want to be - This is your life and you try it all - This is your life and you be what you want to be - Just don’t hurt nobody - ‘less of course they ask you” “Garden of Earthly Delights” - XTC

J. Edward Tremlett is a published author, political thinker and self-described "mean-spirited crank." He lives with his wife and two cats in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.