What About Romeo and Juliet? - Ethical Principles and Teenage Sex

What About Romeo and Juliet?
Ethical Principles and Teenage Sex
by Mike Madias, Clinical Sociologist and Columnist

October 14, 2002

Columnist Mike Madias A while ago, in a classroom of a Detroit’s Jackson Junior High School, an 11 year old girl gave oral sex to a 13 year old boy. It was during an English class. The teacher, who was present as the little girl deep throated the little boy, said she did not notice what was going on in her class. The teacher continued attempting to teach English.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Thirty seven years ago at a Detroit elementary school, there were three pregnant little girls in an eighth grade graduating class of 80 children. All the pregnancies were fathered by a precocious 13 year old boy, my friend Danny.

I would have done the same. I wanted to. I knew that telling a lie was a sin, but it never occurred to me that sexual activity was wrong. And the notion of oral sex was something that was beyond my imagination.

"Judge not, that ye not be judged."

In 1594, the hit play at London's Globe Theater was "Romeo and Juliet", about two teenagers, wealthy, intelligent, church going and with strong family ties. They fell in love, had sex. Murder and suicide followed. The play could be interpreted as a cautionary tale: see what horrible things happen when the young let lust overcome reason. Instead, we see it as heroic romance.

Why? Because, to paraphrase Oscar Hammerstein, we know how it feels to have wings on our heels. We tend to want to wish success to young lovers. We are conflicted on the issue of young people's sexuality.

Youthful sexuality is a force that cannot be stopped. The Catholic Church did not stop Romeo and Juliet. Ignorance of sex did not deter people of my age, when we hit puberty. Obviously sex education classes do not deter students at Jackson Junior High.

Verona in the 1550's; Detroit in the 1950's; and Detroit in 2002 are three different societies. Kids wanted to do and did the same thing in these diverse settings. So youthful sexuality can not be considered a product of poverty, wealth, or due to friendly friars running about with bottles of sleeping potions.

Judgement would conclude that sex education is a good thing, but sex education must be taught within a framework of ethical values.

Ordinarily the term "values clarification" is an exercise in getting everyone involved to have wishy washy values. But having values means to have the opinion that some behaviors are right and others wrong. It is an exercise in establishing hierarchy where some things are better than others.

But, we cannot draw the line too tightly. If the code is too strict, we will exile our offspring and place a wall of lies between parents, teachers and children.

But a code of sexual values can be taught. They can be based on the Golden Rule. "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.." Do they still teach that in elementary school?

There should be conversations with kids. Kids should learn at an early age, before the hormones hit, that love is not sufficient to achieve happiness. Love usually leads to pain, not joy. But, with responsibility and experience, love can lead to something that sustains a couple through times of sickness, poverty, and old age.

There are examples, stories of what a wonderful thing love can be, how healing and transforming. And there are also talk shows and news reports that show what Hell can befall lovers and their families. Kids should know that love is life's big payoff. Achieving it takes work, and sustaining it takes struggle.

One does not find love by playing the waiting game. "'Just say No' to love and sexual desire is not an honest or a healthy option. Exploration of the field is a dangerous necessity.

It is time to drop the cult of virginity. The truth is that the road to love, sex and relationship is a difficult trip that must be traveled. Glorifying virginity says that trip is one to be avoided. Of course, that is not true. Setting off on the journey to maturity needn't be a sin.

But, we should advise our children to use caution, not just contraception. To take time to digest and learn from experience. To observe others and consider causes and consequences. Kids will make mistakes. Adults need to help them learn from their mistakes and get on with the journey. ***

Photo of Mike Madias courtesy of the author

A clinical sociologist living in the Metropolitan Detroit area, Mike's work has appeared in The Detroit News. He may be reached by e-mail at DetroitHardball@aol.com.