The Fourth Installment Of The Illuminating, Edifying, And Amusingly Instructive Democrats' Dictionary

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The Fourth Installment Of The Illuminating, Edifying, And Amusingly Instructive Democrats' Dictionary
by Dave Munger

January 30, 2002

CO-COLUMN OF THE DAY!

"The Hand of Munger"

Dave Munger APATHETIC: Disaffected youths who eat meat, fail to riot, and neglect their vandalism duties.

CHOICE: For those who fall under the unelected judiciary's definition of human this week, the privileges that one is allowed to exercise in the interest of the People.

CONSUMPTION: Purchasing anything in a free market. Consumption depletes resources, as opposed to investment.

EMPOWERMENT: The act of encouraging a person to sue someone.

FASCIST: An American nationalist.

FEMINISM: 1. The radical notion that women are people. 2. Those planks of the Communist Manifesto that all women are presumed to be in favor of by virtue of their sex, repackaged as a continuation of the Suffrage movement.

FUNDING: Federal funding.

GAIA: The incarnation of Whoopi Goldberg that is the most appropriate object of worship for children on federal property, until their parents hear about it.

INVESTMENT: Purchasing anything with federal money. Investment ensures an abundant supply of whatever is thus purchased. Opposite of consumption.

KIDNAPPING: The act of delaying compliance with an order from Janet Reno, regarding child custody or a matter of immigration, through recourse to such specious tactics as inquiring as to whether the order is lawful or not, asking to see a warrant, locking one's front door, or trying to have the matter decided by the authorities technically responsible for determining matters of immigration or custody.

MINORITY: Numerous small segments of the population that support various liberal causes out of a sense of grievance associated with being outnumbered by people different than themselves. We can best win elections, therefore, by encouraging the majority of people to think of themselves as minorities.

NORMAL: Someone who would not stand out in a room full of public school teachers, torte lawyers, Oprah worshipers, Massachusetts residents, shanty-Irish bootleggers, coporophiliac art enthusiasts, junior college drama students, Baldwin brothers, wicker fetishists, ecofeminists, and codependent social workers.

NPR: National Public Radio. Organization that is able, through a non-market funding system, to provide listeners with programming that they do not want to listen to badly enough for commercial radio stations to bother running them, even at four in the morning.

PBS: Public Broadcasting System. Television network that is guaranteed to produce objective programming in a manner that is responsive to it's viewers by the fact that it receives federal funds (which by their very nature never come with political strings attached). This frees them from the necessity of pandering to the mere consumers of their product.

PROSPERITY: Economic conditions associated with low unemployment rates and economic growth. Arrived at by raising taxes, suing large corporations, and either breaking them up or driving them out of business.

REALITY: A contextual matrix arrived at by a consensus of eletes in collusion with majority groups and imposed on minorities, victims, and individualists in order to oppress them and deprive them of empowerment.

RECESSION: Economic crisis caused by insufficiently high taxes.

RENO: Who are you to question her?

RICH: Anyone who has anything that some of our constituents want to take from them.

TAX: 1. Means of redistributing property and forcing people to pay for free things in order to ensure the social justice and equality of economic outcomes that the authors of the Constitution failed to specify their support for, even thought it was clearly their intention do so, rather than making the reckless concessions implied by a literal reading of the Bill Of Rights. 2. (Archaic) Means of obtaining enough revenue for the government to be able to perform it's Constitutional functions.

VICTIM: 1. Plaintiff. 2. Constituent. 3. One afflicted with envy and/or a sense of entitlement. This condition is terminal and can only be treated by framing it as a set of political grievances which, conveniently, justify popular but unconstitutional legislation.

XENOPHOBIA: A lack of appreciation for colorful, traditional ways of life associated with extremely high infant mortality rates, politically induced famine, illiteracy, and undrinkable water.

ZERO: 1. The number of hours daily a person should ideally spend without some form of federal supervision. 2. The number of fields of endeavor which ought to be managed privately by the individuals undertaking them. 3. The number of pieces of property the owners of which should be allowed to use in any way they see fit, without having to buy permission from federally appointed officials. ***

Photo of Dave Munger courtesy of staff files