I Think I Know Why ...
by Timothy Rollins, Editor and Publisher
Second in a Two-Part Tag-Team Series appearing today
COLUMN OF THE DAY!!
A
couple of years ago, a friend and colleague of mine at The
American Partisan by the name of Lisa Woerly (right) wrote an article titled,
"Why
Are People So Desperate to Hook Up?" In it, she discussed many of the neuroses
she found not only among the office staff where she worked, but also in other
situations that she had the opportunity to observe over the years.
As memory serves, there was a fair amount of flak over that column, to include a post on the Free Republic Web Site that described Lisa as a hardened cynic totally devoid of feelings. Now the fact of the matter is that I don't really consider Lisa cynical anywhere near as much as I consider her perhaps, pragmatic. Her ability to look through and cut to the heart of any given issue at hand is in fact a gift and even though she is no longer with the magazine, her influence is still felt here and deeply appreciated.
As to Lisa's question "Why Are People So Desperate to Hook Up?" I think I know the answer: There is so much of a societal pressure, no make that obsession - that's not just bordering, but going beyond the pathological - that people 'hook up' often solely for its sake alone. It's no wonder so many people are unhappy.
I
myself am a member of a church that has a particular emphasis on marriage and
the family as a top priority, and I have no problem with that doctrine, nor
with any of the other doctrines within the Church - that is why I have been
a very satisfied member of the church for over 30 years. In light of the marked
decline of the family however - especially over the last 30 years, the leadership
of the Church came out with The
Family: A Proclamation to the World back in 1995. I have found it not only
to be timely, but to have a timeless appeal as well.
However, while the Church itself makes many efforts to help single members such as myself feel at home and that they belong and have a contribution to make - which they do, the members within the Church, as with any other Church or other social group are often another story, and some of them are shall we say … quite a piece of work, to say the least.
Having had the opportunity to travel to or through 44 states as well as a number of countries throughout the world, I have seen a number of different peoples and cultures. Yet as Woerly alludes to in her aforementioned column, there is this unwritten demand that they must hook up with someone. Says who? The fact is that there are some people out there who are better off NOT hooking up with someone, and I am not just talking about the Ted Bundys or the Andrea Yates' of the world either. Some folks are confirmed bachelors or spinsters. Some people are so narcissistic and/or materialistic that the thought of them being paired up with another human being is more than enough torture to wish on even your worst enemy.
I have a friend of mine who is probably the only person I have met in the last 25 years that I think is smarter than I am in just about every sense of the word. She has Bachelor's and Master's Degrees in Psychology from the State University of New York at Buffalo and is a member of my congregation. She and I have discussed this singles phenomenon within the Church and society at large and have come to some of the same conclusions that Woerly came to in her article.
In one of many discussions I have had with this friend and her husband as well as with others with whom I am friends, we have observed numerous mutual friends and acquaintances in marriages of varying lengths as well as singles we know, many of which seem to be in varying degrees of dysfunction ranging from slight to circling the bowl as we speak.
I think of one individual with whom I was acquainted that divorced a number of years ago and how pathetic he was as he rebounded from one short romance to another - and believe me, there were a number of them. So desperate (and pathetic) was he in seeking another partner that he was all too quick to hook up with someone for its sake alone, which is by no means a wise thing to do.
Between the time the marriage failed and his remarriage less than a year later, he was in perpetual heat (or so it seemed) when it came to seeking a partner - whether it was merely for "legitimate sexual expression" or for whatever else, I will never know. But seeing him at various activities do the emotional equivalent of following a woman around like (to use the words of one of my best friends) "a puppy sniffing a dog's ass" is something I will never quite figure out. His failure to resolve certain issues in his life from the first marriage and prior to that was of sufficient magnitude that to nobody's surprise, the subsequent marriage failed.
One of the lessons many people fail to ever learn and that I have been fortunate enough to learn is one I learned a couple of years ago. I mentioned it in my year-end column in 2000, and it went like this:
"One of the things I have learned in this time and it is a very important truth that even most married people don't achieve; it is something that we must ALL achieve and that truth is this: I can say that I am truly happy, independent of my relationship with any other person, and that's not an easy thing for people to achieve in their lives - whether single or married. This is because I rely on the Lord for my strength, and I know that I am never truly alone, and that is a blessing for which I will be forever grateful and indebted. I have become a fundamentally happy person, which is not an easy thing to do; after all, true happiness comes from within - it is not a matter of externals. The reason for this is because I have come to know the Savior much better and not just know about Him. While having friends is nice and adds variety and spice to life as well as being a source for personal and spiritual growth, my need for them is not as all consuming as it once was and the friends I do have tend to be cherished all the more because of that."
Unfortunately, this a lesson that many people never figure out, and this is why so many people that are hooked up either in marriage or cohabitation are so miserable in varying degrees. Yet the reason they don't leave is that they view being alone as a fate worse than either being miserable or dead, which it most assuredly is not.
Most people fail to see that there are two definitions of alone - there is lonely and then there is alone, and those who think it through can easily differentiate between the two.
I was referred to an information page on Match.com some time back and found some of the information it contained quite useful. One of their features is the Six-Foot Blonde who answered a question posed by a visitor to the site, that being, "Am I destined to be alone?" - to which the Six-Foot Blonde responded:
"Absolutely. Unequivocally. Inarguably. Yes.
Until… and I emphasize, until you ardently and passionately relish who you are - and all your life encompasses - while you are not in a romantic, committed relationship." Perhaps it was best put by philosopher Lao-tzu, who said, 'He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.'
Woerly's column did a wonderful job of addressing the issue of desperation of why so many people hook up for its sake alone; for in my lifetime, all too often I have seen way too many people sitting at home on many a Friday night expecting miracles to happen - first they were watching Dallas on CBS in the 1980's, and then it was Family Matters on ABC in the 1990's. Why were they sitting at home? Some of them were expecting their dream date to come knocking on their door while they made no active effort to find themselves a companion, and in the next breath they were complaining of the lack of either. Kind of like those who don't vote and then complain about whoever the current occupant of the White House or the Governor's Mansion is.
For those who feel they should wait until their 'one and only' comes along, be assured that with no exceptions that I know of personally, I soundly reject said notion. Each of us has a life with which we have been blessed and it is our responsibility to make the most with what we have been given. To that end, we need to make ourselves the best selves we can be for us and not for someone else, for that is the only means by which lasting change can occur, and is one of the few legitimate areas in which we can be selfish - for if we do not like ourselves, it will be hard for others to like us in return.
Also found in Match.com was this:
"For those who think you need to be a couple, here's a reality check for you, boys and girls: Procrastinate your own personal development while waiting for someone to come along and you will be sitting around half-complete for a long time. And if you partner with someone during this time of development, you get a half-baked relationship because both of you are coming to the table under-done. Codependency has an insidious way of masquerading itself as availability. Remove the mask, and you'll find neediness."
So there it is, my friends. Lisa brought forward the question "Why Are People So Desperate to Hook Up?" and hopefully, I have brought forward at least part of the answer. For those of you who are single or are in relationships that could use some work, I would extend to you an invitation to take a look within yourselves and through meaningful conversation with your spouse or partner begin to address whatever issues may be holding the two of you back from reaching the fulness of your potential.
As
one who speaks from experience, it is far better to be on your own than to be
in a dying relationship once you know it either cannot or should not be saved.
This is doubly so when children are involved, as the last thing children need
to see are Mom and Dad in a daily p---ing contest, if you know what I mean.
It may hurt the children now, but when the initial pain subsides and a working
relationship is reestablished, the children will see that both parents love
them nonetheless and to them, that is far more important than anything else.
In the case of my youngest (right), he knows that even though Mommy and Daddy are no longer together, he nonetheless has no doubts whatsoever that both his parents love him very much and that regardless what happens, his parents will always love him and be there for him no matter what. Be that as it may, hopefully these are at least some of the answers as to why so many desperate people hook up.
If only it didn't always have to be this way, but then again, some people just never learn. ***
© 2002 Timothy Rollins
COPYRIGHT © 2002 BY THE AMERICAN PARTISAN. All writers retain rights to their work.
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