Annan Powers - International Man of
Mediocrity - in "You Only
"You Only Invade
Twice." (Part I of Whatever)
by J. Edward Tremlett, Columnist
September 20, 2002
"Down On the rANT Farm"
PART
I: Dr. George's Super Double Triple Secret Underground Lay-IHR.
(A high-tech, dull-grey underground lair, complete with nameless, uniformed underlings who aimlessly turn knobs on consoles to appear to be very busy: your tax dollars at work. Number None, Frau Condi and Dicky are sitting at The Big Table as Dr. George scooters on into the room in his Big Wheel, honking the horn every so often)
Dr. George: Gentlemen... welcome to my super double triple secret underground lay-IHR. It's so secret that, half the time, I don't even know where I am! Woo-hoo-hah-hah!
Dicky: You usually don't... ass.
Dr. George: Uh... huh?
Dicky: Never mind...
Dr. George: (blank, puzzled look)
Frau Condi: Vhat he means to say, herr docktor, ihs that your lair -
Dr. George: My lay-IHR, Frau. (makes 'quote' gesture) lay-IHR
Frau Condi: Ah... yah. Ihs that your (makes 'quote' gesture) lay-IHR... is so brilliantly construckted that it has surpassed your vildest dreams.
Dr. George: (nods) Yes, yes, Frau Condi, that sounded brilliant. What did you say?
Frau Condi: Vell, you try talking vith bhuck teeth.
Number None: Gentlemen... if we COULD get to the matter at hand.
Dr. George: The what?
Number None: The matter at hand, Doctor George? Your latest evil plan?
Dr. George: Oh, yes... the plan. Right.
(Presses a control on his remote. The Big Screen drops down from the ceiling)
Dr. George: As we all know, the War on Terror is achieving results, but has the appearance of aimlessly going nowhere. We did the obvious thing, which everyone thought was the right thing, but our evil focus groups show that we look like we've lost the vision thing, and the American people are getting tired of the other thing, so now we're thinging the thing thing without a thing to show for anything.
(Blank stares from all)
Dr. George: (pause) Up the creek... without the paddle... thing.
(More blank stares from all)
Dr. George: So... we've got to regain the momentum thing. To that end, I give you...
(Dr. George turns the Big Screen on, but it's an Invader Zim rerun)
Dr. George: Uh... oops! (Turns it off) Never mind. The bottom line, gentlemen, is that we need to look like we're going to kick someone else's butt-ocks. And I think it's time we used... Saddam Hussein!!! (pinky in mouth)
Dicky: I wish you would.
Dr. George: (sighs) Alright, what's your problem, kid?
Dicky: This is so stupid. We do this every time. We make like we're going to get medieval on someone's ass, but then we never really follow through. We always come up with some stupid plan that sounds like it came out of a bad movie. "We're gonna get you!" "Yeah, really, you'd better not do that!" "Oh, wait, don't do this, too!" "Oh yeah, obey or die - we really mean it, this time!"
Dr. George: Dicky... maybe when you get to be President you can put your evil plans in motion, okay? But for the time being, why don't you let us use what works?
Dicky: Oh, come on. Why don't you just nuke Baghdad and be done with it? Boom! End of problem.
Dr. George: (pause) Dicky?
Dicky: Yeah -
Dr. George: Shh!
Dicky: Dad -
Dr. George: SHH!
Dicky: Hey -
Dr. George: SHH!
Dicky: Fine! If you won't listen to me, I won't listen to you either! (Puts hands over ears and squints eyes shut)
Number None: So what's your evil plan, Doctor George?
Dr George: My evil plan is... I'll tell the American people all about the bad, rotten things that Saddam's done to his own people. That will make them sad and angry. And when I get them all sad and angry, they'll agree to do whatever I want! (girly giggle)
Number None: *a-hem*
Dr. George: (pause) Uh... no?
Number None: I'm sure that you remember that some of those bad, rotten things were what he was doing back when we were backing him? The press'll have a field day with that one.
Dr. George: (Looks at Frau Condi, who looks at him and sadly nods with pursed lips)
Dr. George: Oh. Right. Yes. Well, we'll go to Plan Two, then. We'll point out that he invaded Iran in the 80's and invaded Kuwait in the 90's. With a history like that, we can't take any chances with him, can we? I'm sure THAT will put the snake amongst the mongoose... (pinky in mouth)
Number None: *a-hem*
Dr. George: What... is it mongooses? Mongeese? You know I am with the english language -
Number None: We were supporting him during the Iran - Iraq war because we wanted him to beat down Iran for us, remember?
Dr. George: We were?
Frau Condi: Yah, Herr Docktor. And ve let him know that ve had no problem vith him invading Kuwait just before he did, yah? Remember Frau April...?
Number None: So that won't play out so well, either, Doctor George.
Dr. George: Oh, wonderful. Well, then we'll just have to use Plan Three. Plans Three A-through-C weren't so successful in the past, but I think Three-D is something to look at...
Dicky: (snorts)
Dr. George: Aha! You listened!
Number None: Gentlemen, please... Doctor George, what IS Plan Three-D?
Dr. George: Just a little something I invented called (makes 'quote' gesture) NUHK-u-LAR Pa-ra-NOI-a. We know Saddam wants to make the bomb, so we make it sound like this is suddenly a real problem. No one wants to see their lovely little town be turned into a puddle of hot liquid mag-MA, do they?
Number None: Ah... now that IS a brilliant plan, Dr. George
Frau Condi: Yah. Ihs reallhy, reallhy good plan, Herr Docktor.
Dr. George: Yes... a brilliant plan... and no one can stop me... not even... Annan Powers...
(Evil, forced laughter that goes on far, far too long) ***
(To be continued ...)
J. Edward Tremlett is a published author, political thinker and self-described "mean-spirited crank." He lives with his wife and two cats in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.
© 2002 J. Edward Tremlett
COPYRIGHT © 2002 BY THE AMERICAN PARTISAN. All writers retain rights to their work.
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