Annan Powers - International Man of
Mediocrity -
in "You Only Invade
Twice." (Part II of A Few)
by J. Edward Tremlett, Columnist
September 25, 2002
"Down On the rANT Farm"
(In our last
installment, Dr. George was planning to make the War on Terror's successes
more obvious by going after Saddam Hussein, accusing him of wanting to build
Weapons of Mass Destruction. It's just the sort of dastardly PR plan that can
only be thwarted by the world's swingingest UN Chief - Annan Powers, International
Man of Mediocrity!)
* * *
PART II: Annan Powers' Sexy Swinging Supersonic Aeroplane!
(Exterior view of a jumbo jet painted in goofy psychedelic colors, cruising along above the crowds. Cut to the inside, where Annan Powers sits in a bedroom that looks like it came from a "make your own bachelor pad" article from a late 60's issue of 'Playboy' - complete with lava lamp lighting. Possible Love Interest #1 is snuggled up to him on the couch as they drink champagne from the bottle and giggle)
Annan
Powers: So, baby... what did you think of that swinging conference on world
hunger?
Possible Love Interest #1: Well... (giggle) it was really a lot of fun, Annan... I don't think I've had that much fun since my last sorority mixer...
Annan Powers: Oh really...? Which one were you in... Tau Iota Tau? Alpha Sigma Sigma? (gawpy geeky and infectious laughter)
PLI #1: Oh, Annan! (giggle) You're so silly!
Annan Powers: I was in I Felta Thigh, myself (more gawpy geeky and infectious laughter)
PLI #1: Oh, I bet you were... but Annan, I'm a bit confused.
Annan Powers: I'm told I have that effect on people, baby...
PLI #1: That conference we were at... it was on world hunger, but all the delegates were eating lobster and drinking champagne.
Annan Powers: That's right! We were... and we still are! (yet more gawpy geeky and infectious laughter)
PLI #1: But, between all that food... and games of pin the tail on the delegate, spin the lectern and... well... that one wild party at the end... I don't think that anything got done?
Annan Powers: Oh! This is your first UN Conference, right? Don't worry about it, baby. It's like that all the time. NOTHING ever gets done!
PLI #1: (blinks) But... what was the point?
Annan Powers: Well, you have to understand, baby... who makes the world work the way it does?
PLI #1: Uh... the governments?
Annan Powers: Right. And those governments are run by...?
PLI #1: Leaders?
Annan Powers: Right. So in any situation where there's a problem, it's always the fault of those leaders. Either they did the wrong things to the right people, or did the right things to the wrong people, or wrong things to everyone and their cousin Kofi, too. If there's a problem, the leaders are to blame.
PLI #1: So what does that have to do with this?
Annan Powers: Well... when's the last time you saw us fly into someone's capitol and arrest a world leader for being an incompetent little weasel?
PLI #1: Well, never. You can't do that.
Annan Powers: Precisely! That's just not our job. We can't force people to do anything. We can't even make anyone listen to us. All we can do is ask them nicely and hope they'll see reason.
PLI #1: I see....
Annan Powers: So when you have something like world hunger, or the AIDS epidemic, or global pollution, it's the best we can do to appoint a committee to appoint a committee to to appoint a committee to look into looking into holding a panel discussion on the matter. And if we're really lucky, we can invite the press to it and call it a conference.
PLI #1: So... the lobster and champagne...?
Annan Powers: Well, hey - no sense letting all that membership dues money go to waste, eh? (yet even more gawpy geeky and infectious laughter)
PLI #1: Oh, Annan Powers... (snuggling up to Annan) when you explain it like that... it all makes so much sense...
Annan Powers: Mmmm-hmmmm? Do international politics make you randy, baby? Do they? DO THEY?!?!?
(They start kissing, but the sound of the videophone beeping (the first few bars of the Beatles' "All You Need is Love") interrupts them.)
Annan Powers: Ah... well, it happens every time!
PLI #1: I'll just, um... be on the solid gold frame, four-poster waterbed... in the next room... waiting... (exits seductively)
(Annan giggles and rubs his hands together expectantly, hitting the remote so he can turn on the videophone. On the screen is a rather severe looking woman of African descent, broadcasting from UN headquarters.)
Annan Powers: Ah, hello and good day to you my dear, darling Frigit.
Frigit Beach: Fhlattery vill get you novhere vith me, you stinking pile of psychedelic dog leavings.
Annan Powers: Is anything wrong, my dearest?
Frigit Beach: Only haff thee vorld! Vhat are you going to do about thee situation in Palestine? It has gotten vorse vhile you've been screwing around at that conference!
Annan Powers: Oh, come on... we'll do the same thing we always do. Throw a buffet, send in a few inspectors, try to get the principal parties back to the table...
Frigit Beach: That is vhat I thought you vould say! It is just as vell another, more dangerous assignment has come up for you to deal vith.
Annan Powers: My dear, what could possibly be more dangerous than leaving some rank amateur with no mojo to completely destroy all the progress I've made there?
Frigit Beach: (long, cold stare)
Annan Powers: Well, you didn't answer my question, love -
Frigit Beach: Doctor George is at it again.
Annan Powers: (blinks) What? What's my nemesis up to, now?
Frigit Beach: Ve have just received intelligence that he is planning to drum up a var against Saddam Hussein. His press secretary is due to announce it.
Annan Powers: My God! He'll ruin everything I've tried to do if he does that!
Frigit Beach: Exactly. So I think it vould be best if you went and stopped it before it started?
Annan Powers: Right! Pilot, turn this jet around! We're heading for Washington DC!
(A bra twangs in from off-screen and hands on his head)
Annan Powers: But I think I've got time for a quickie, first...
Frigit Beach: (shakes head) Gott help us all... ***
(To be continued !)
J. Edward Tremlett is a published author, political thinker and self-described "mean-spirited crank." He lives with his wife and two cats in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.
© 2002 J. Edward Tremlett
COPYRIGHT © 2002 BY THE AMERICAN PARTISAN. All writers retain rights to their work.
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