Annan Powers - International Man of Mediocrity - in "You Only Invade Twice." (Part III of (CLASSIFIED))

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Annan Powers - International Man of Mediocrity -
in "You Only Invade Twice." ((Part III of (CLASSIFIED))
by J. Edward Tremlett, Columnist

September 27, 2002

"Down On the rANT Farm"

J. Edward Tremlett (In our last installment, Annan Powers, International Man of Mediocrity, learned that Dr. George planned to drum up war against Saddam Hussein. This would utterly ruin everything the world's swingingest UN Chief has been doing in the Middle East! So he's off to Washington D.C. ...)

* * *

PART III: Meanie-Me's Evil Press Conference

(Cut To - the opening of ZZ-Top's "Sharp Dressed Man." The bald head and shoulders of Meanie-Me, Doctor George's Press Secretary, are seen from behind as he tromps down a red carpet into the White House Press Room. He towers over the two Secret Service men who march alongside as he pimp-walks in, fawned over and adored by the Faceless Liberal Press Hacks who've come to pay him homage.

(But what's this? As he gets to the podium and turns around, we see that the red carpet was on a platform, and that Meanie-Me is actually only about 2 1/2 feet tall! He stands on the platform for a moment, grins, and then turns around and silently bids the FLPHs to kiss his a$$. People stop cheering, and the music slowly dies down.

(Meanwhile, in the back, Annan Powers slips in, disguised to look like a FLPH...)

FLPH #1: Mr. Press Secretary, thank you letting us ask you questions... which, of course, you won't be able to completely answer for reasons of national security... along with whatever, no doubt wise, reasons you may have...

Meanie-Me: (Smiles, bows)

FLPH #1: Is today's press conference about the War on Terror?

Meanie-Me: (Nods, causing an "oooh" and "aaah" All the FLPHs write that down.)

FLPH #2: Have you captured Usama bin-Laden?

Meanie-Me: (Shakes head, sadly)

FLPH #3: Is it still safe to walk the streets in Kabul?

Meanie-Me: (Scowls, growls)

FLPH #3: Um... I retract that question, sir...

Annan Powers: (whispering to someone in the back as the questioning goes on) Is this how it usually goes?

FLPH #?: Your first so-called news conference, eh? Yeah, pretty much. We've got one hour to play charades with the trained monkey, and then he just leaves.

Annan Powers: What if you haven't guessed it by then?

FLPH #?: Then we do what everyone else does when they need a scoop. Go read the Drudge Report...

FLPH #23: ... uh... did you capture another lieutenant?

Meanie-Me: (Shakes head, getting annoyed)

FLPH #24: Did the ACLU threaten another lawsuit for the prisoners in Camp X-Ray?

Meanie-Me: (Shakes head, really annoyed)

FLPH #25: Is it something to do with the Axis of Evil?

Meanie-Me: (Nods enthusiastically, creating another chorus of "ooohs" and "aaahs")

FLPH #26: Sir, is the White House ever going to admit that it was a bad idea to group Iraq, Iran and North Korea on the same side when two of the countries can't stand one another, and there's no real evidence that any of them have worked together?

Meanie-Me: (Scowls, gets a psychotic gleam in his eye)

FLPH #? Oh dear... there's one in every crowd...

Annan: What's he going to do...?

(Annan Powers is answered a moment later, when Meanie-Me runs his hand over a large bank of red switches and presses one, causing the floor to fall out from under FLPH #26!)

FLPH #26: AAAAAaaaaaggg-g-g-g-g-h-h-h-h-h--h---h----h----h----h----h (thud!)

(The crowd coughs and applauds, obviously in fear of their lives. Meanie-Me smiles and nods, chuckling silently at the hole in the floor)

FLPH #27: So... sir, is it Iran?

Meanie-Me: (Shakes head, mimes having a mustache with two of his fingers)

FLPH #28: Iraq?

Meanie-Me: (Nods enthusiastically, creating yet another chorus of "ooohs" and "aaahs," though some of them are a little skeptical)

FLPH #29: We're not planning on invading them, are we?

Meanie-Me: (Looks askance, and then just smiles... very pointedly. Chaos ensues as everyone starts asking questions at once.)

Annan Powers: That little devil! What's he playing at?

FLPH #45: Sir, why are we considering this sort of action -

Meanie-Me: (Growls, waves his hand over the bank of switches again...)

FLPH #46: Uh... I mean, why are we POSSIBLY considering this... sort of action? Has he threatened us?

Meanie-Me: (shrugs shoulders)

FLPH #47: Is he in league with al-Qaeda?

Meanie-Me: (pauses, shrugs his shoulders)

FLPH #48: Is he planning something?

Meanie-Me: (smiles and nods in a roundabout way)

FLPH #49: What? An invasion of another Arab state... an alliance against Israel?

Meanie-Me: (Smiles, then turns around and breaks wind very, very loudly. Several FLPHs in the front row fall on their faces, overcome by the fumes.)

FLPH #50: You mean he's *cough*developing weapons *cough-cough* of mass destruction *aghk* again?!?!?!

Meanie-Me: (Turns around, points at FLPH #50 and nods very, very enthusiastically. The questions swirl from there.)

Annan Powers: But he's been trying to do that for years? Why is this suddenly a concern?

FLPH #?: I got three numbers for you, kid: 911. No one wants to find out if he means us any harm by looking out the window and seeing a mushroom cloud over the Capitol.

Annan Powers: Well anyone could do that, baby. That's the price of living in the nuclear age. The only real solution is for us all to try and reduce our stockpiles and stick to the UN-brokered nonproliferation treatments.

FLPH #?: Yeah... that and a sprinkle of sunshine'll get you a wonderful world. Go back to Berkeley, kid. This is the real world we're reporting on, not some late 60's internationalist's pipe dream.

Annan Powers: Wait a minute... you're not a Faceless Liberal Press Hack....

(Rips FLPH #?'s hat off to reveal a very pointy head)

Annan Powers: You're with Fox News!

FLPH #?: Damn you, Annan Powers!

(Annan Powers pulls out a small, 50's-style ray gun and shoots FLPH #?. Seconds later the ersatz reporter is wrapped up and gagged with miles of red tape.)

Annan Powers: Ha! That's the Fact-finding Committee gun for you. Feeling a bit slowed down, are we?

FLPH#?: (struggling) Mmmmph! mmMMMMph!

Annan Powers: I think I'll just leave you here for the jackals to eat... unless, of course, you're willing to tell me what's really going on here...?

(FLPH #? nods, scared to death of the alternative. Annan Powers drags him out of the room)

(To be continued ...)

J. Edward Tremlett is a published author, political thinker and self-described "mean-spirited crank." He lives with his wife and two cats in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.

Photo of J. Edward Tremlett courtesy of staff files
Image courtesy of the author