Annan Powers - International Man of
Mediocrity - in "You Only
Invade Twice." (Part
IV of four score and seven years ago)
by J. Edward Tremlett, Columnist
October 2, 2002
"Down On the rANT Farm"
In our last
installment, Annan Powers, International Man of Mediocrity, learned
that Dr. George planned to drum up war against Saddam Hussein, claiming that
he's developing WMDs. A trip to Washington D.C., and a smelly press conference
with Dr. George's Evil Clone, Meanie-Me, has confirmed that a larger plot's
afoot...)
* * * PART IV: Double Digit Approval Ratings, Double Agents, Doubled Danger!
(A few days later, we're back in Dr. George's Super Double Triple Secret Underground Lair. Nameless, uniformed underlings are still aimlessly turning knobs on consoles. Dr. George is watching The Big Screen as Meanie-Me dives head-first into a huge can of baked beans, much to the horror of Dicky and Frau Condi.
(Dr.
George is caught in a spate of Evil laughter that goes on far too long. Eventually
our POV shifts and we can see that he's watching Invader Zim, again.)
Number None: (Entering the room) Doctor George, if you have a moment, I have the latest intel from our Evil media monitors.
Dr. George: Oh... can't it wait 'till a commercial?
Number None: It's really, really good news, sir.
Dr. George: How good?
Number None: (enticingly) Double digit approval ratings...
Dr. George: What? (turns off the Big Screen) When did we dip down to single digits?
Number None: Well, there was a real touch and go week back in... oh... May.
Dr. George: Oh! Well, that's important. So I presume that Plan Three-D is -
Dicky: (snorts)
Dr. George: Dicky, would you like to go sit by Meanie-Me?
Dicky: Uh... no way, man. Uh uh.
Dr. George: As I was saying... I presume that Plan Three-D is working perfectly?
Number None: Absolutely, sir. According to our polls, everyone's so scared of waking up with their house on fire that they'd follow you into...
(looks over at Meanie-Me thrashing about in the baked beans, breaking wind merrily and smiling a little too wide)
Number None: Um... follow you... anywhere... sir *cough*
Frau Condi: You see, I told you, Doctor George... it vas a rheally, rheally good plan.
Dr. George: Yes, it was, wasn't it? Well, I can't take all the credit. It was really big in the 50's, you know.
Dicky: (tries not to laugh)
Dr. George: Is something wrong, there, Dicky?
Dicky: Uh... no, no! It's just that... you're right, dad. Three-D... WAS... really big back in the 50's.
Dr. George: (long stare)
Number None: However, Doctor George, we're not quite out of the woods yet. We do have some... complications.
Dr. George: You don't mean George Michael, do you?
Meanie-Me: (Snarls)
Number None: No. Actually, that seems to be going away quite nicely, just like his singing career. I was actually thinking of... Al Bore.
(stunned silence)
Dr. George: Oh... for a moment I thought you said Al Bore... the appropriately named protege of our country's previous evil genius, Doctor Bill.
Number None: Well, yes -
Dr. George: The man who, quite ironically, bored himself to death while contesting the election results... (pinky in mouth)
Number None: Yes, Doctor George... but he IS alive.
Dr. George: (pauses) Are you fricking kidding me, Number None?
Number None: Intel suggests that his wife, Tripper made a pact with the Devil to bring her husband back to life. We believe she played Marilyn Manson CDs backwards to make contact -
Dicky: I didn't think that even worked anymore...?
Frau Condi: I thought hit only vorked vith Iron Maiden?
Number None: (Shakes head) Not since that one album in particular.
Dr. George: I'm rather partial to Englebert Humperdinck, myself.
(Blank stares from all)
Dr. George: And... um... ZZ-Top, too. Oh yeah. Can't forget them.
Number None: Bore's coming out against action to facilitate a regime change in Iraq.
Dicky: That hypocrite. He was the one who wanted to keep going into Iraq during Desert Storm!
Frau Condi: And he vas in full agreement when Doctor Bill made removing Saddam a priority.
Dr. George: Well, I guess that's what happens when you die and go to The Other Place. You come back and you're a real hot dog.
(More blank stares from all)
Dicky: Well, okay. He was dead before... I say we pop him before he can say anything else.
Dr. George: Dicky... we don't do things like that.
Dicky: Hell we don't. What about (CLASSIFIED), (CLASSIFIED) and (REALLY CLASSIFIED)?
Dr. George: I told you before not to talk about that! Now go sit next to Meanie-Me!
Meanie-Me: (giggles and lets a really loud one fly)
Dicky: Awwwwr!
Number None: And... *cough* um, while we're dealing with that, sir, there's another problem.
Dr. George: (CLASSIFIED) indeed. I suppose someone wanted to be speaking Russian, now? Huh, Dicky?
Dicky: *cough cough* Ass...
Number None: Sir, please... if we could stay on topic.
Dr. George: What? Did Dick Getfart regrow his tess-TIK-ills?
Number None: That's... still under investigation, sir. Do you remember Rott Skitter, our former pointman in UN-SCUM?
Dr. George: Ah, yes... Rott Skitter, the double-double agent appropriately known as... (pinky in mouth) RAT BASTARD!!!
Number None: Yes, well he's living up to his name, sir. We've received intel that he's in Baghdad, and he's about to go on the record as saying that Saddam Hussein has no WMDs at all.
Dr. George: What!!?!?
Number None: This could look pretty bad, sir.
Dr. George: Gosh darn it... I knew we should have dealt with him when we had the chance...
Dicky: (holding nose) Hey? Whatever happened to 'we don't do things like that'?
Dr. George: Meanie-Me? Hump Dicky's leg.
(Meanie-Me looks at Dicky and grins. Dicky screams and runs away with Meanie-Me chasing after him)
Dr. George: I want Rat Bastard dealt with. This time for sure. Call in... (pinky in mouth) our INSURANCE AGENT...
(Evil, forced laughter that goes on far, far too long. Meanwhile, in the background, a strangely familiar underling sneaks away...)
(To be continued ...)
J. Edward Tremlett is a published author, political thinker and self-described "mean-spirited crank." He lives with his wife and two cats in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.
© 2002 J. Edward Tremlett
COPYRIGHT © 2002 BY THE AMERICAN PARTISAN. All writers retain rights to their work.
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