Annan Powers - International Man of Mediocrity - in "You Only Invade Twice." - (Part VII of Nine

Discuss this on our boards!

Annan Powers - International Man of Mediocrity - in "You Only Invade Twice." - (Part VII of Nine - You Will Be Assimilated)
by J. Edward Tremlett, Columnist

October 18, 2002

"Down On the rANT Farm"

J. Edward Tremlett (In our last installment, it seems that even Old Scratch - acting through failed and resurrected candidate Al Bore - has a hand against Dr. George's plans to go after Saddam Hussein! Meanwhile, UN Chief Annan Powers is on the way to Baghdad to deal with both Saddam and double-double agent Rat Bastard...)

* * *

PART VII: Saddam and Skitter's Scary Swim Party!

(Cut to a rather dilapidated "palace," right in the center of town. The gates are drawn tight and the walls are crawling with guards.

(On the roof, there's a terrace, also guarded. On the terrace are somewhat worse-for-wear, plastic wading pools. Saddam sits in one, wearing his bathing uniform, and trying on a succession of badly-fitting, black berets. Meanwhile, Rot Skitter, wearing an old-fashioned stripy bathing suit - and looking rather scrawny - sits in a tub full of gold coins.)

Skitter: Wheee! (tosses coins up) Wheee! Wheee!

Saddam: Ha ha. I love to see a man enjoying himself.

Skitter: You bet! Hey, you think we could get some more of those cute gals up here, like the other night?

Saddam: Ha ha. Of course! Just let me find the right beret, here...

Skitter: Yay! I love you, uncle Saddam. You're the best friend a dipsomaniac loser with no loyalty to his country could ever have.

Saddam: Anything for my best friend in the whole wide world. Now, tell me the truth, Rot... is this one too small for my head?

Skitter: Awww... come on, Uncle. Everything looks good on you!

Saddam: Ha ha ha. Yes, everything does, doesn't it? Well, let's get those women up here...

(Annan Powers and FLPH #? leap out from behind a low wall. The guards turn around to do the obvious thing, but suddenly fall asleep and drop to the ground)

Saddam: What the hell...?

Annan: That's the Roll Call Vote gun for you (putting yet another ray gun away) Puts anyone asleep for ages.

Skitter: Awwww. You guys can't come to our party. You aren't invited!

Saddam: Well... ONE of them was...

(Annan looks around, just in time to see FLPH #? pulling out a pistol and pointing it an Annan's head)

FLPH #? You don't look so surprised. Could it be that you suspected all along?

Annan: I KNEW all along, baby.

FLPH #? Ha! Sad washup from the sixties. I bet you say that every time you get a gun in your back -

Annan: Really? Then why do you think I helped you get into Dr. George's Super Double Triple Secret Underground Lair?

Saddam: So that's how you pulled that off, agent "?"

FLPH #?: Uh...

Saddam: Ah well. So why'd you help him out, Annan? Getting sloppy in your old age?

Annan Powers: On the contrary... I helped your agent get that information so you'd know, for yourself, that there's a real threat against you this time. You're not dealing with Doctor Bill anymore.

Saddam: So what? Doctor George, Doctor Bill, another Doctor George... they'll always keep me around. They need me to justify their military budget now that Russia's their friend.

Annan Powers: Um... Saddam... let me try to be a little more clear... most Americans would like nothing more than to see someone's head on a plate. Anyone's head. And yours is a fairly convenient one.

Saddam: And I should be worried?

Annan Powers: Frankly? YES.

Skitter: Ha ha. He thinks you're a fraidy-cat, Uncle Saddam.

Saddam: I'll give them the mother of all battles! Again!

Annan Powers: I tell you what... let me try to get some shuttle diplomacy in action. We'll set up a really big buffet, right at the Basra airport... call in some dancers -

Saddam: Ha! I spit on America! I spit on their stupid War on Terror, their Axis of Evil and their little dog Dorothy, too!

(Saddam hawks a long, mean loogie and lets fly. Unfortunately it hits FLPH #?, who tries not to say anything)

Skitter: Yeah! Ptooey! Ptooey!

(more loogies hit FLPH #?)

Saddam: Ha ha. That's my boy.

(even more loogies hit FLPH #?)

FLPH #? Awww, man... I just had this !@#$n shirt cleaned.

Saddam: What was that!?!?

FLPH #? Ah... nothing! Nothing, great father. Leader. Great leader father. Uh -

Saddam: Rotty... my agent needs a lesson in manners.

Skitter: Uh... do you mean I should let... HIM... out... uncle Saddam?

Saddam: I sure do, Rot. He can break anything he likes. I won't even get a little bit mad.

(Rot Skitter looks at FLPH #? and starts breathing funny. FLPH #? stares in horror as Skitter gets really big - puffing up like a comic book superhero - until he's back to the size he was earlier.)

FLPH #? Oh... my... God...

Skitter: Well. It's little (BLEEP!) who called me a (BLEEP!)ing little traitor.

FLPH #? Agh! (drops the gun, backs away) I didn't mean it...

Skitter: Not so (BLEEP!)ing little anymore, am I, you (BLEEP!)ing (BLEEP!) of (BLEEP!) (BLEEP!) (BLEEP!).

FLPH #? Annan... you've got to do something! He'll eat me alive!

Annan: (blithely cleaning his nails) Sorry. I'm just some old washup from the sixties...

(FLPH #? starts whimpering)

Annan: ... on the other hand, I do hate to see a grown man soil himself...

(Annan assumes a somewhat odd-looking martial arts pose. Rot Skitter looms over him, ready to strike.

(One of Saddam's other guards appears, holding a small box.)

Saddam: What is it? You know I don't like to have my pointless exercises in sadism interrupted...

Guard: Well, Great Leader, it was very strange. A small, white dog with a black hat came to the door and asked if we had any insurance.

Saddam: What?

Guard: He wanted to talk with you in person, but I said you were busy. So he left this for you...?

Saddam: Give me that... did he say anything else?

Guard: "Get Met. It pays."

(The box is opened, revealing a large number of TNT sticks. Saddam blinks.)

Saddam: Oh !@#$-

((BIG BLINKING FONT))KA-BOOOM!!!!!!!!!!((/FONT)

***

(To be continued ...)

J. Edward Tremlett is a published author, political thinker and self-described "mean-spirited crank." He lives with his wife and two cats in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.

Photo of J. Edward Tremlett courtesy of staff files
Image courtesy of the author