Annan Powers
- International Man of Mediocrity - in "You Only Invade Twice." - (Part VIII
of Nine Lives)
by J. Edward Tremlett, Columnist
October 25, 2002
"Down On the rANT Farm"
(In our last
installment, UN Chief Annan Powers went to Baghdad to deal with both
Saddam and double-double agent Rat Bastard, only to be double-crossed and witness
to a rather explosive assassination attempt. Has he survived? Did ANYONE survive?
And how much longer can this stupid farce be carried on?)
* * *
PART
VIII: Doctor George's Really Super-Bad Day
(The familiar logo of FOX News comes on the screen, followed by a rather large man in a suit with a very high head of hair. He seems utterly incapable of smiling.)
Hitt: Hello once again. I'm Hitt Brume..."
(Camera jumps to a frumpy, blonde woman with no shine in her eyes, also with high hair.)
Vacuous: And I'm Vacuous Right-Wing Tart...
Hitt: And you're watching FOX News. Fair and balanced as always...
Vacuous: ...unlike the commie-infested so-called "news" that most of your children's homosexual schoolteachers get their ungodly marching orders from.
Hitt: You said it, Vacuous. Boy, I sure do hate liberals.
Vacuous: Oh, me too. Me too.
Hitt: Just this morning I was on my way to the studio, and I saw a bunch of unamerican protesters on a street corner, all complaining about something.
Vacuous: What were they complaining about, Hitt?
Hitt: Who the hell cares? They're liberals, so it can't be that important -
(A sheaf of papers is quickly handed to Hitt from off-camera)
Hitt: This just in... FOX News has learned that one of Saddam Hussein's palaces was... um... blown sky high, I'm supposed to say... at or around one AM, Baghdad time.
(Cut to Dr. George's super double triple secret underground lay-IHR, where this newscast is being watched on the Big Screen. A great deal of cheering goes up, especially from the front row. There, Doctor George and Meanie-Me sit next to a short, white beagle with a black hat (whom we really can't name for fear of a lawsuit). Dickie, Number None and Frau Condi are also nearby.)
Dr. George: Way to go, little doggie! (pause) Err... I mean... well done, yes... (puts pinky in mouth)
Number None: I knew your plan would work perfectly, Dr. George.
Dickie: (whispered) Ass-kisser...
Short White Beagle We Cannot Name: (weird noises)
Dr. George: Have no fear, my trademarked canine friend. Your money's here. We just need proof that you have... (giggles) dealt with Rat Bastard.
Hitt: ...again, details are rather sketchy, but we have reason to believe that former UN-SCUM pointman Rott Skitter was in the palace when it exploded. There's no word on Saddam Hussein yet...
Vacuous: Hold on, Hitt, I think we're getting satellite feed from Baghdad....
(Cut to a darkened street in Baghdad, with the palace from last segment in the background, half destroyed and burning brightly. Standing in front of the camera is FLPH #?, somewhat blackened but still alive.)
FLPH #?: This is Bob #24, reporting live for FOX News. Iraqi President Saddam Hussein and UN Chief Annan Powers were both killed earlier this evening when a bomb exploded on the roof of Hussein's palace.
(The cheers die out. Dr. George's pinky falls out of his mouth.)
Hitt: Wow. Two menaces to world peace killed at the same time!
Vacuous: Yay! But, Bob, are you certain about this?
FLPH #?: Yes, I am. I was... unfortunate enough to be there when the bomb exploded. The only reason I survived was Annan Powers was in the way. Saddam was holding the bomb when it went off, you see.
Dr. George: (Turning and wagging a finger at Short White Beagle We Cannot Name) Bad dog! Bad!
Short White Beagle We Cannot Name: (more weird noises)
(Meanie-Me growls at the beagle, who gulps.)
Vacuous: What about Rot Skitter? I presume he was killed?
FLPH #?: Actually, no, Vacuous... he was blown out onto the street and landed in a truck full of garbage. He's just fine.
Dr. George: What!?!?! (starts having an evil genius spasm) What?!?! What!?!?!
Number None: Don't worry, Dr. George... we've got contingency plans.
Dickie: Contingency plans? For What?
Frau: Nhow Dickie... It vould be best to let your father lhose a little steam...
Dickie: But this makes. No. Sense!
Frau: It isn't supposed to. It's politics.
Hitt: And this just in from here at home... as you know, we've been following the supposed reanimation of Al Bore, supposedly brought back from the dead.
Vacuous: As if anyone could tell!
Hitt: Well, he's not only alive and well, Vacuous, but he's criticizing the way the White House is handling the matter on Iraq, and the godless liberal media is eating it up like poison cookies.
(Cut to Al Bore, looking really dead, with Tripper beside him, at a podium)
Al Bore: This is obviously. The result of. Our incompetent leadership. In the White. House. If a real. Leader. Were handling. This situation. We wouldn't be. In as much. Trouble. As we're in. Right now.
(Cheering of Faceless Liberal Press Hacks fills the background)
Dr. George: Could this get any fricking worse? Any worse at all? No. Don't answer fricking that. No...
Short White Beagle We Cannot Name: (weird, demanding noises)
Dr. George: Meanie-Me... hump him.
(A scene we dare not describe for fear of legal recourse ensues. Cut to Dickie trying to cover his eyes in utter horror)
Dr. George: Number None... we need Saddam Hussein alive and Rott Skitter dead. I don't care who you have to call, I don't care what you have to do. Make it happen! (Puts pinky in mouth. Looks really frickin angry)
(Number None smiles)
Vacuous: You know, it's moments like these that make me proud we're working to destroy America through self-righteous partisan bull!@#$. God bless us, every one!
Hitt: You said it, Vacuous. And God bless our imperious leader, Mupert Rudok, too.
(Both newscasters clack their shoes together under the table, make a fascist salute and touch it to the tops of their heads)
***
(To be continued ...)
J. Edward Tremlett is a published author, political thinker and self-described "mean-spirited crank." He lives with his wife and two cats in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.
© 2002 J. Edward Tremlett
COPYRIGHT © 2002 BY THE AMERICAN PARTISAN. All writers retain rights to their work.
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