Annan Powers
- International Man of Mediocrity -
in "You Only Invade Twice." (Part IX of Swords)
by J. Edward Tremlett, Columnist
November 13, 2002
"Down On the rANT Farm"
(In
our last
installment, everything went right down the toilet for all involved.
Annan Powers and Saddam Hussein have purportedly died in a botched attempt to
kill Rat Bastard, who survived, recently-resurrected Satanic pawn Al Bore got
a chance to get back into the news, and Doctor George is having to make do with
Number None's "Contingency Plans." Good grief - What's next?)
* * *
PART IX: The Thought Picks... Er... The Pot Licks... Um... Wait...
(It's a few days after the debacle of Part VIII. A great anti-war demonstration marches in downtown Washington D.C. A massive sea of tie-died Stoned Anti-War Protestors stumble down the main roads under the weight of their signs. They're all blurry-eyed and not quite sure where they're going...)
SAWP: One-two-three-four! - Let's get stoned and stop this war! - Five-six-seven-eight! - We're too baked to rhyme too good! - One-two-three-four...
(Pan to the "front" of the calvacade, where Al Bore, along with Tripper, ride a golf cart painted in swirly, tie-die colors and peace signs. A cloud of flies buzzes around them.)
Tripper: Oh, Al... this brings back so many memories.
Al: Yes. It does. Doesn't it? Ha. Ha. Ha.
Tripper: Gosh, I just wish Jerry Garcia could be here... he'd have grooved on this.
Al: Oh. That's right. I saw him. In Hell.
Tripper: You did?
Al: Yes. He asked me. To. Pass along. A message. For you.
Tripper: Really? What did he say...?
Al: He said. To go.
(Cut to: a SWAP taking a long, brain-numbing hit off of a day-glo yellow bong.)
SWAP: fffffffffipp.
(Cut back to Al and Tripper)
Al: Yourself.
(Tripper's eyes glaze over as cognitive dissonance takes effect)
Tripper: (giggles) Oh, that Jerry! What a kidder.
Al: (Blinks. Really. Slowly) Yes. Dear. Ha. Ha. Ha.
(Al picks a few flies off of his shirt. Sniffs his fingers)
(Cut to Dr. George's super double triple secret underground lay-IHR. Dr. George and Meanie-Me are watching the rally on The Big Screen and getting very, very grumpy. Dickie is nearby)
Liberal Press Hack Voiceover: Boy! Doesn't this just remind you of the sixties? I sure bet everyone here knows what a dumb warmonger Dr. George is...
Dr. George: I am not a warmonkey. Am I a warmonkey, Meanie-Me?
Meanie-Me: (Pauses, then shakes head "no.")
Dr. George: Yeah. See? They're just wrong...
Dickie: You know... under the current circumstances, I don't think anyone who really matters would be the tiniest bit upset if you did suddenly turn out to be a warmonger.
Dr. George: (long stare) What's a warmonger?
Dickie: (sighs) Never mind...
Dr. George: Is this another vocabulary thing?
Dickie: Please... dad, just... never mind.
Number None: Well, I'll show you...
(Number None enters the room, smiling)
Number None: Ah, Dr. George. Those contingency plans are ready for your inspection, sir.
Dr. George: Ah... Number None... (putting pinky in mouth and looking a little bit in Dickie's direction) ...my eyepatched advisor.
Number None: Yes, Dr. George. If I might-
Dr. George: My confidante in credibility. My partner in presidentiality.
(Dickie puts his head in his hands. Sighs)
Dr. George: My mentor in mastication.
(Meanie-Me winces.)
Number None: If I could, sir.
Dr. George: Masticate?
Number None: Well... not while I'm trying to talk.
Dr. George: (Looks at Number None, then at Dickie, then at Number None, and then sighs) Alright... you got me, kid.
Dickie: Too bad I lost the receipt...
Dr. George: Now hold on a gosh-darn moment, there. I DO understand that -
Number None: Saddam Hussein is alive again, sir.
Dickie: What? How did you pull that off?
Dr. George: You didn't make a deal with you-know-who... did you?
Number None: No, sir. I just picked up the phone and called the right bear for the job.
Dickie: The right bear...?
(The Peter Gunn theme starts to play. A figure in a dark, grey trenchcoat appears, features hidden under a black hat. As the figure gets closer we see it's someone dressed in a goofy, brown bear suit with the hat and coat over it, carrying a black briefcase.)
Number None: Gentlemen... I'm sure you remember Secret Agent Bear - The master of disguise.
Secret Agent Bear: (waves enthusiastically, as though entertaining children at a birthday party)
Dickie: Hey... wait a minute... I heard about this bear -
Number None: Dickie.
Dickie: What?
Number None: Shush.
Dickie: Hey, you don't get to tell me that...!
Dr. George: (puts pinky in mouth) Well then... you come well recommended, my fine, furry friend. But I would like to see something of your abilities before we send you into the field.
Number None: Sir... you do remember that we had this agent impersonate Ralph Nader during the last election?
Dr. George: Well, yes, but anyone can pretend to have a big nose, be boring... lose on purpose. We need eeee-VIL, here.
(Bear opens the briefcase, pulls out a small, black beret and mustache, and puts them both on. Stands at attention and shakes his fist at Dr. George.)
Dr. George: (gasps) Well I'll be sheep dipped in El Paso...
Dickie: No way...
Number None: He's good, isn't he? Saddam's own mother couldn't tell the difference.
Dr. George: And if his own mother can't tell the difference, neither will anyone else... (pinky in mouth) Well done, Number None.
Number None: I'm glad you approve, sir.
Dr. George: But what of... Rat Bastard?!?!
Number None: Ah. Well, not to worry, sir. We have another top agent moving into position now. She's assured me she'll be bringing us Rott Skitter's head in a few days.
Dr. George: She?
Dickie: She...?
Number None: She. Yes.
Dr. George: Which (makes "quotes" gesture) "She"?
Number None: (makes "quotes" gesture twice) "That." "She."
Dickie: Uh... hold up. Game over, man.
Dr. George: Ah... SheeeeeeEEEE.
(Maniacal, evil laughter jumps from Dr. George to Number None to Meanie-Me, leaving Dickie to shake his head in horror...)
***
(To be continued ...)
J. Edward Tremlett is a published author, political thinker and self-described "mean-spirited crank." He lives with his wife and two cats in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.
© 2002 J. Edward Tremlett
COPYRIGHT © 2002 BY THE AMERICAN PARTISAN. All writers retain rights to their work.
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