Annan Powers
- International Man of Mediocrity - in
"You Only Invade Twice." (Part X of Y, Z)
by J. Edward Tremlett, Columnist
November 19, 2002
"Down On the rANT Farm"
(In our last
installment events moved along with strange alacrity. Al and Tripper
Bore headed up a peace march, while Dr George's plans to provoke a war with
Iraq went back on track. Secret Agent Bear is to impersonate Saddam Hussein,
a mysterious agent known only as "She" is to deal with Rat Bastard. All well
and good... but what of Annan Powers?)
* * *
PART
X: Peace Party at 10,000 Feet!
(Fade out from Dr. George's Evil "LAY-ihr" to Annan Powers' Sexy Swinging Supersonic Aeroplane as it flies over the Atlantic, late at night. We pan in towards one of the windows, and then into Annan Powers' main room. Sitting on the couch are Saddam Hussein - who's covered with bandages - and Annan Powers - who doesn't have a scratch on him.
(Off in a corner is some poor soul in a body cast. A bag full of what looks like chicken soup dangles from a metal stand, and a tube leads from one end of the bag to his mouth. Someone's also used his extended, left arm as a hat rack.)
Annan: So, Saddam... what do you think of my super swinging bachelor pad? Pretty groovy, eh?
Saddam: All the colors are making me sick.
Annan: Really? So it doesn't quite put you in the mood... to... the mood to... um...
(Annan looks for something in his pants pocket. Saddam looks at Annan, and then starts sliding away from him on the couch)
Annan:... sign a document letting UN arms inspectors back into your country? (brandishes the large, loud pen he was looking for)
Saddam: (Somewhat relived) Oh... I thought you were... um...
Annan: Were what?
Saddam: Never mind. Anyway, the answer is no. I have nothing to hide!
Annan: Well if you don't have anything to hide, what's the harm in letting us check?
Saddam: My word should be good enough for you.
Annan: Ah. *cough* Well, that's the problem, really, Saddam. It isn't.
Saddam: Well, let them try to come look. I'll show them the meaning of hell!
Annan: Alright. Look. Saddam, I realize you're a proud fellow, I realize that this hostility is all the result of your rather sad beginnings and a lack of positive influences in your young life...
(Looks at a picture of Saddam Hussein as a young boy. Saddam looks just like he does now, only shorter, with a beanie propeller hat. His mother and father also look just like he does now, complete with bad uniforms, black berets and mustaches...)
Saddam: Yes?
Annan: But it's time to grow up!
Saddam: Grow up...?
Annan: Yes! Grow up! Open your eyes! Wake up and smell the coffee! Get up, stretch and meet the rising sun! Have some kippers and toast and jam -
Saddam: Shut up! Who are you to tell me to grow up?
Annan: The man who dragged you off that burning rooftop.
Saddam: Oh... look, I explained this already. They need me alive to justify their military budget. I don't have to change a damn thing.
Annan: So. Explain that bomb.
Saddam: Well... it couldn't have been that bad. You escaped unharmed!
Annan: (pats chest) It's the Absolute Deniability suit, baby. Nothing sticks to me!
(The fellow in the corner tries to object to something, but all that comes out is "Mmmph! Mmmph-mmmpph!')
Annan: Oh, hush, Agent "?". You were behind me, cowering in fear.
Agent "?": mmmmmPH! Mmmph mmph mmmph!
Annan: I almost regretted stealing your clothes and pretending to be you on television, really. But not quite. (grins)
Saddam: So what did that prove, anyway? We've pretended to be dead for almost a week, now.
Annan: Just waiting for Dr. George to tip his hat, baby.
(The first few bars of the Beatles' "All You Need is Love" plays)
Annan: Right on cue...
(Annan turns on the videophone. It's a FOX News broadcast, with Hitt Brume and another, rather frumpy-looking, pointy-haired co-anchor of non-European descent.)
Hitt: Hello, I'm Hitt Brume...
Sell-Out: And I'm Sell-Out Token Tart. Vacuous Right-Wing Tart is on vacation.
Hitt: Some time ago we reported that Saddam Hussein and UN Chief Annan Powers were both dead. We appear to have been half wrong...
Sell-Out: Not all-wrong, though, thank God.
Hitt: Yes. Word from the UN is that Annan Powers is still dead. However, it turns out that Saddam Hussein has survived the bomb blast...
(They cut to a shot of Saddam's office as Saddam addresses Iraq on state TV. However, inside of Saddam's uniform is none other than Secret Agent Bear, wearing a mustache and a small beret. He makes weird noises that are somehow understood.)
Saddam: Wait a minute... did I have a twin brother no one ever told me about?
Annan: Oh, come now. Surely you recognize the work of Secret Agent Bear?
Saddam: An impersonator? How dare they! My people will never stand for this...
Hitt: Apparently the Iraqi people are, and I quote, "very relieved to have their beloved leader, for whom they would gladly die a million trillion bloody deaths at the hands of the Zionist pig doo-doo head oppressors, back where he belongs."
Annan: Really...?
(Saddam's face falls and he wipes away a tear)
Sell-Out: Wow. I'm looking forward to the day we can just kill everyone in that region. It's what Jesus would have done.
Hitt: You said it -
(Annan turns off the videophone)
Annan: Well, that's enough of that. Are you getting the point, now? You've become expendable.
Saddam: (Weeping) What can I do?
Annan: Well... you can be a man about it, for once. Then you can sign this form. And then we can see about getting you back where you belong.
(Saddam whimpers, but takes the pen in hand)
Annan: The only problem is... if they wanted you dead, why would they have someone impersonating you? That just doesn't make sense...
(Raises eyebrow) Unless...?
***
(To be continued ...)
J. Edward Tremlett is a published author, political thinker and self-described "mean-spirited crank." He lives with his wife and two cats in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.
© 2002 J. Edward Tremlett
COPYRIGHT © 2002 BY THE AMERICAN PARTISAN. All writers retain rights to their work.
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