A "Dickens" of a Christmas Carol

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A "Dickens" of a Christmas Carol
by Robert Yoho, Columnist and Senior Editor

December 20, 2002

"Eye on Conservatism"

Columnist Robert Yoho There once lived in Washington an evil, miserly man named Ebeneezer Lott. The senator was very wealthy and hated Martin Luther King Day. He lived to take away steal children’s school lunches, make grandmas eat dog food, and take away Tiny Tom Daschle’s crutch.

Tiny Tom Daschle used to walk tall in the land of Washington. The little man loved it then. He never shared power with anyone. He ran and played with Jumpin’ Jim Jeffords. Life was good until he was stricken with the dreadful Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Tiny Tom could no longer run. He became weaker and his whiny voice became more and more shrill. Many thought his once promising political career would die.

Then one night, Ebeneezer Lott made a statement that angered many of the townspeople. As a man used to betraying those of his own party, Lott thought nothing of the words he had spoken. "Bah humbug," he said. "Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Day, a worthless holiday of no consequence."

Around midnight, Ebeneezer Lott was awakened by the sound of chains. He saw his deceased friend Newt Gingrich, in manacles.

"Beware, Ebeneezer Lott!" Gingrich said. "Do not make the same mistakes I did. If you do not change parties, you will end up out of power, just like me. Tonight, you will be visited by three ghosts of Mississippi. Heed their voices!"

As Ebeneezer Lott went black to sleep, he was awakened by the ghost of Martin Luther King Day past. Arrayed in a pure white robe and hood was an old, ghastly genetlemen, named Robert. He muttered incoherently about the Roman senate while he carried them both to West Virginia, to a hillside with a burning cross."

"This was I, " ghost Robert said. "And today, nobody cares." After showing Ebeneezer the many buildings with Byrd’s name on them, they returned from West Virginia.

Later that night, Ebeneezer Lott was awakened by the ghost of Martin Luther King Day present. The ghost, named Jesse, wore an expensive suit and often spoke in rhymes. He carried a baby with him—a child that he unsuccessfully kept trying to put behind him.

"I am the ghost of Martin Luther King Day present," Jesse said. "Ebeneezer Lott, affirmative action is not enough; life for my people is particularly tough. Reparations are the ticket; pay them now or we will picket." Then Jesse transported them back from Chicago.

Sometime before dawn, Ebeneezer Lott was awakened by the ghost of Martin Luther King Day future. Ebeneezer was very afraid, because this was the most frightening of all the ghosts of Mississippi!

The spirit was dressed in tiny running shorts, his thick, pasty white legs glaring in the light. The man’s bulbous nose glowed bright red. In his hands he carried a stained blue cocktail dress and a bottle of spot remover. "I am Bubba," he said, "the ghost of Martin Luther King Day future. "I will show you the bridge to the 21st Century."

Bubba transported Ebeneezer Lott to New York City, where an evil woman in a crusty black pantsuit was taking the stage. The crowd was applauding as she congratulated the peasants gathered around her.

Bubba pointed his finger towards the stage. "I did not have sexual relations…ah, excuse me," he said. "This is what awaits you, Ebeneezer Lott, if you do not change parties. This woman will become president of the land and I will be the First Husband."

"Please do not leave me here." Ebeneezer Lott screamed. "I fear it so!"

"Sorry, Ebeneezer, but I gotta run to McDonald’s. There’s a babe with a Big Mac there and both of them have my name written all over them."

Ebeneezer Lott awoke to the pealing of the bells. "It is Martin Luther King Day," he said. "It is not too late. I am still in Washington. Today I will appear on BET and promise reparations to every person in the land."

And true to his word, Ebeneezer Lott became the finest Democrat in Washington. Even McCain and Jeffords were not loved by the Democrats like Ebeneezer. Liberal causes thrived and the wealthy were punished. Ebeneezer Lott gave away more pork and had more buildings named after him than the senator from West Virginia. Everybody loved him.

Moreover, Tiny Tom’s political career did not die. Universal health care not only saved Tiny Tom; it made him president of all the land.

And as Tiny Tom said, "Government bless us, every one!" ***

Photo of Robert Yoho courtesy of staff files