Essential Rules For Living In My Country

Essential Rules For Living In My Country
by Nathan Poole, Columnist

May 1, 2003

Contributor Nathan Poole I'm a pretty liberal dude. I voted for Clinton. I voted for Gore (I know, I'm embarrassed, too). I even voted for Gray Davis (Governor of California) …twice. But my patience is being stretched to its absolute limit.

I am sick and tired of having to be careful of what I say for fear of violating someone else's rights. In fact, I'm sick and tired of even having to hear about other people's rights. Don't I have any rights?

Well, no, apparently I do not. I am a white male. I know, I'm pretty ashamed of this fact, too, but wait, it gets worse. I'm Protestant. I am the worse type of scum in the worse country in the world.

As it turns out, though, all of this nonsense is incorrect. I mean, I am white, I am male, and I am Protestant, but that's where the facts end. I'm not scum; I'm a fantastic human being (just ask me). And this is, without a doubt, the greatest country in the world.

So, I've developed some very basic, though very essential, guidelines (rules, if you will) for anyone who chooses to live in my country. It appears that I'm picking on foreigners, but anyone who is difficult for me to get along with should follow these rules.

Here they are:

Learn English. This goes for foreigners and natives alike. Just about every community in the nation offers some sort of English classes. Most of the time, these classes are absolutely free. Take advantage of them. When you don't have a decent grasp of the English language, you're more prone to get on and stay on welfare. And as you will later see, this, too, is unacceptable.

Speak English. This sounds like I am specifically targeting foreigners, but I am speaking to everybody who speaks a language other than American-style English. Ebonics and Redneckonics are strictly forbidden (except in the privacy of your own trailer).

Practice your "religion" whenever and wherever you want to, but don't let it interfere with my religious beliefs, and don't let it interfere with your job. That one's pretty self-explanatory.

Get a job and stay off welfare. If you can do this, we should get along just fine, and maybe the rest of us won't have to do so much.

Don't bash America. I'm really growing tired of folks saying how terrible this country is. For those of you born elsewhere, you probably had a pretty good reason to come over here in the first place. For those of you who were born here, go south of the border and check out how great life is for our neighbors.

Don't bash Americans. Same deal as above. We're great people, and if you don't care for us, then you can leave out of the same illegal entryway that you came in from.

Practice all of the customs you want, just as long as they aren't too annoying. Remember, this country didn't become great because Americans practiced your customs. It became great because we practiced our customs.

Recognize that America is the greatest, most compassionate country in the world. We let your sorry behind stay here rent-free, don't we? ***

Check out the American Partisan at american-partisan.com

A native of San Antonio, Texas and a veteran of the United States Air Force, Nathan Poole is employed by the United States Postal Service. He lives in Irwindale, California with his wife and family.

Photo of the author courtesy of staff files