One Card Wonders: My Predictions for 2003

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One Card Wonders: My Predictions for 2003
by J. Edward Tremlett, Columnist

January 13, 2003

Second of Two Parts

"Down On the rANT Farm"

J. Edward Tremlett Continuing my Tarot-fueled exploration of the year 2003 - the first part of which can be found here - we begin where we left off.

North Korean Despot Kim Jong-Il: Ten of Pumpkins

Speaking of Pumpkins... the Universe has a sense of humor, today. Those who dislike NK's rather loopy figurehead have taken to calling him "Pumpkin Boy." So it's only fitting a Pumpkin card be applied to his sorry hiney.

However, the card is not a sorry one - quite the opposite. It promises a happy outcome to your current endeavors, complete with rewards and riches. But if you consider his current situation - reactivating nuke plants to most likely restart his nuke program, in spite of international outcry - you'd wonder how such belligerence could pay off?

Oddly enough, it does. In the past, we've established a clear pattern with regards to North Korea: every time they rattle a saber, we send them more food to pay them off for fear of losing South Korea. With the Administration backing down on the challenge yet again, I see no major change. I think Pumpkin Boy will get lots of goodies in his latest gambit, yet again forestalling his day of reckoning.

Palestinian President Yasser Arafat: Judgment

The other side of the situation in Israel/Palestine. This is a card about waking up and facing the consequences of your actions. It's judgment from on high, or having your karma come to call, at any rate.

About time, I say. Yasser Arafat has been a major disappointment, to say the least. His critics tend to allege more, and maybe they've got a point. Corruption dogs his heels like a bad, sour fart, and his ability to lead is questionable at best, and criminally inept at worst.

So what happens, then? Does he wise up and do what he needs to do? Does he finally get his slack ass tossed out of office by his own people? Deportation? Two to the head? Exile? Suicide? Damned if I know, but it could happen this year. Watch for it.

The Raelian Movement: Ace of Ghosts

These guys made big news just at the end of last year, but we should consider them to be one of the great underreported stories of recent years. Imagine a religious-scientific movement numbering in the tens of thousands, with lots of money to blow, questionable ideals and business practices and a really freaky idea about how the world works.

Now imagine them engineering the men of the future in some lab in the Caribbean, or anywhere that we can't touch them. And consider that the Ace of Ghosts is the Ace of Cups: great love and happiness, as well as productivity. Which means that 2003 is going to be a good year for the Raelians, and probably won't mean anything good for the rest of us.

Or maybe we'll get lucky, and they and a certain other religious-scientific movement with money to blow and questionable ideals will tag-team sue one another into oblivion in 2004...

The Republicans: The Hermit

This could be the explanation for the Democrats' good year, right here. The Hermit is one who searches for the truth all by himself, and considers himself to be self-sufficient. Most politicians like to think of themselves as Hermits - in manufacturing their personal ideology, at any rate - but if there's one thing that kills a politician, it's being all alone when disaster strikes, or being too "out there" to hear what people are actually telling you.

The Republicans do not have a total majority. They cannot afford to retreat into a cave and put themselves in traction through judicious back-slapping. If they do, they will get out of touch with the world around them and lose ground. Let's see what happens, here.

War on Terror: Eight of Imps

Bleah! Talk about confusing. This Card warns of great haste and over-eagerness that stops us from truly advancing. Yet we've been nothing but less-than-eager and hasteless since our action in Afghanistan, surely...? So what's going on here?

It could be the upcoming war with Iraq, which probably isn't going to make things that much better in the rest of the Middle East, regardless of what certain domino-theory proponents feel. It could also be the war of ideas between the hawks and the doves in the Pentagon - and on the President's own Cabinet - which is driving our efforts around in circles. Maybe both?

Either way, it seems we can't expect 2003 to be the big, decisive year. I'm betting that, by next January, Osama bin Laden will still be unaccounted for, Al-Qaida will still be a serious threat and the Saudis will still have not cleaned house. On the other hand, I don't think things are going to get any worse, either, so we've got that, at least.

And, last but not least, let's take a look at the gruesome twosome of American politics: Hillary and Bill Clinton. New York Senator Hillary Clinton, like Kim Jong-Il, got the Ten of Pumpkins. Meanwhile, her hubby - our former philanderer in chief - got the Queen of Imps. Be prepared to gag, yes, but there might be a laugh or two in there as well.

As we've seen, the Ten of Pumpkins promises a happy outcome, along with rewards and riches. So regardless of how her political fortunes go, it seems that Hillary, herself, will manage to ride above it all. I'd expect no less from her, but I was hoping she might get some level of come-uppance for being a two-faced little twist in the last year.

On the other hand, what are we to make of Bill's card? The Queen of Imps is a kind, generous and curious woman. As a phenomenon, it promises success in all endeavors. So it seems that Bill's going to have a good year, too, but the fact that it's a woman who gives it to him is of interest.

Let me admit once more that this is sheer speculation, but I think this could be the year that Bill and Hillary are finally going to be rid of one another.

I'm not the only one who's suspected that Bill and Hillary's marriage, whatever it was in the beginning, has since become a sad thing of political convenience. However, the man is spent and little more than a fundraiser on legs - an office which, as Jesse Jackson is kind enough to show, needs little in the way of personal ethics. So Hillary now needs Bill as much as a fish needs a bicycle, and it's not too much of a stretch to think that she could let him go.

So maybe Bill's going to finally find his Queen of Imps, fess up to Hillary that he wants out, and it'll be over. She'll make out like a bandit queen when it comes time to get alimony and other such matters from his pocket if she chooses to go that route, of course. And that will be that.

Negative publicity? Forget it. The ladies will all cheer Hillary for finally chucking her part-time man in favor of a real partner, and the men will all cheer Bill for getting the trophy wife he's been hankering for all along. Both get what they want, the papers have something interesting to talk about and 2003 will be remembered as the year that the Second American Camelot officially came to a sputtering, dead stop, much to the joy of cynics, grouches and Republicans everywhere.

Hey, it could happen.

And with that, we end my predictions for the year. I'm not going to crow too much if I turn out to be right, given that this is mostly based on luck, extrapolation and my own, rather odd way of looking at the world. But I also promise to NOT promise to drop my pants in Macy's front window if I'm dead wrong about anything - which I certainly hope I am in a few cases.

So go your ways, have a good year and we'll see you at the start of the next to see how I did. In the meantime, I hope you'll make the rANT Farm a part of your life, as I predict that - courtesy of the Six of Pumpkins I pulled for the column itself - things are going to get a little more fruitful around here. ***

"Sister Psychic won't you tell me does it ever get better? - Can you really see the future or just predict the weather? - Are we in our finest hour or heading for disaster? - Use your super powers and rescue me"

"Sister Psychic" - Smashmouth

J. Edward Tremlett is a published author, political thinker and self-described "mean-spirited crank." He lives with his wife and two cats in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.

Photo of J. Edward Tremlett courtesy of staff files