Neverland Raunch

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Neverland Raunch
by Robert Yoho, Columnist and Senior Editor

February 25, 2003

"Eye on Conservatism"

Columnist Robert Yoho Through the magic of television, we have been given the "opportunity" to learn more about the bizarre world of entertainer Michael Jackson. This past week we have been bombarded with programs about this crotch grabbing Peter Pan. We have all become unwilling voyeurs into the former child entertainer’s diseased mind.

The strangest thing of all is the fact that Jackson believes we should see nothing wrong with his behavior. This man of a thousand faces expects us to conclude that he has only had two cosmetic surgeries. Jackson sleeps with children, but we are supposed to believe the sleepovers are not sexual. He dangles his baby over a balcony rail, but he expects us to look the other way.

In much the same way that the Wizard of Oz told Dorothy to ignore the man behind the curtain, Michael Jackson wants us to ignore the man behind the surgical mask. Only to the overpaid, America-hating, Saddam-loving, celebrity pacifists of Hollywood would this behavior seem innocent. The rest of us—the great unwashed in fly-over country—believe Jackson looks a lot more like a child molester than he does an innocent friend of children.

"Ignore the man behind the surgical mask," he is saying to us. "It is the messenger that we shouldn’t trust."

In the faraway galaxy where Jackson resides, everybody wears just one glove, alters their appearance to look like a woman, and sleeps with children. This behavior is not bizarre in the Neverland Ranch; it is the norm. Only those who question this conduct should be mistrusted.

If we see pictures of him dangling a baby over a railing that disturb us, then it is the photographer who committed the crime. If Jackson confesses to sleeping with children, then it is the interviewer who should be held in suspicion. Michael controls everything in Neverland.

If Jackson had chosen to sleep with one of my children, I guarantee that the depraved little twerp wouldn’t have enough money to buy me off. Moreover, I think it’s quite likely that he would need another nose job just to repair the damage. And those consequences would be rather mild compared to what my wife might do to someone who placed his gloved or ungloved hand on her children.

Talent aside, Michael Jackson’s fascination with young children is nothing short of sick. From the sounds of his behavior, Jackson is little more than a wealthy pedophile and serial sex offender. He uses this wealth to buy off the victims of his crimes. Unfortunately, there has been no shortage of greedy parents, who were more than willing to pimp out their children to the voice of the Jackson Five.

However, even Michael Jackson does not have an endless supply of money. And the bad press that his child "sexcapades" generates has created a damage control problem in the public relations area. Perhaps this is the real reason he has chosen to "have" children.

It’s much too expensive to buy the silence of angry parents and to keep the authorities off his back. I think it is likely that Jackson has decided to keep his depraved acts "in house." Why molest the children of others when Michael can have his way with his own? Incest worked for Woody Allen and it’s much better for public relations.

The interviews with Michael Jackson were certainly not taken out of context. The man is weird! And the only thing standing between him and a jail cell is a thick wallet.

Only in California or New York would the singer’s behavior be tolerated. Come to think of it, Michael Jackson might also find a heartwarming welcome in the nation of France. Let’s hope he goes there…and soon! ***

Photo of Robert Yoho courtesy of staff files