Miller Time

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Miller Time
by Radley Balko

Geez, ABC must have been thinking. It's bad enough that we've lost women and effeminate men to Ally McBeal (As well as masculine men who like to watch women kiss). But now we're losing 18-30 year-old-males, the testosterone bunch, to...wrestling.

That's why for the past three weeks the alphabet network has turned the search for Al Michael's Monday night drinking buddies into a national discussion. Sports columnists, trial balloons, and on-line polls have touted the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Larry King, Drew Carey, and, even, Regis! (whose name, according to the AP Style Guide, now requires an exclamation point).

Enter Dennis Miller.

Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but . . .

Dennis, babe, what are you thinking? This is a little like Doug Llewellyn hosting "Def Comedy Jam," isn't it? I mean, the talent doesn't fit the medium.

Dennis, do you really think the suds n' Cheetos crowd is going to coo and sway the way your cable audience does when you opine that we haven't seen a club as bad as the Saints since Lord Byron slipped off his Rockports at the Venice town podiatrist?

Methinks no.

Most sports fans can't negotiate Bob Costas' obscure musings, much less yours.

Face it, D, you're the intellectual's funnyman. Your crowd wouldn't be caught dead with a bag of Funions, they don't sweat for a living, much less enjoy watching other men do it, and they don't tingle with anticipation when Hank Williams asks them if they're "ready to get a little rowdy."

No, Monday night finds your crowd laughing at the boss's jokes over cocktails at the Elbow Room. Sorry to say it D, but you're better off doing a guest spot on "Frazier."

Don't get me wrong. I love 'ya. And I love sports. And I'm damn happy that ABC Sports President Don Ohlmeyer knows talent when he sees it. But Dan Fouts? Al Michaels? And Dennis Miller? It's like throwing Abraham Foxman into the booth with Marlon Brando and Marge Schott.

Think about it, D. These guys can't keep up with you. It's two commercial breaks until Dan Fouts looks at you and says, "Who the hell is Ron Jeremy? And why do you bring him up every time it's 'fourth and inches?'"

Personally, I don't know why they ever broke up Michaels, Dierfdorf and Boomer. Yeah, so the broadcasts were about as smooth as G.W. Bush reading roll call at a UN subcommittee meeting. But you it was only a matter of time before Boomer popped off one too many times and Dierdorf would going to put him in a headlock and squeeze until his pretty blonde head popped like a bing cherry.

And so we watched. For the drama.

But now? What's going to happen to the spit shield they put around Michaels when Dierdorf got excited? And why fire Leslie Visser? I loved that whole disheveled look she had going* like she'd just spent an hour with Dick Stockton in the backseat of his dad's K-car.

But I digress. Honestly, D, I think your talents are wasted at MNF. I'm sure the money's nice. The exposure, too. And, yes, it's the most popular sports series in history. But "Survivor" is big right now, too. And you don't see Bill Maher sending CBS resumes and rat con-carne recipes, do you?

I just hope you don't lose your edge by going mainstream. I'd hate to turn on the set four years from now and see you chatting up beach homes with Hillary as guest host of the Rosie O'Donnel show.

Honestly, D? I was hoping for Drew Carey. A fella's fella. A guy who wrote a book called "Dirty Jokes and Beer." Or Frank Gifford, Kathy Lee and a spandexed Brittany Spears. Talk about your tension.

Or, the ultimate* O.J. O.J. and anyone.

Rush fans will be inevitably disappointed, but hey, ABC has promised a guest halftime appearance or two from The Great Bombast. (Although if he's not talking politics I don't know how anyone could distinguish him from Chris Berman).

I wish you the best, D, I really do. Just don't let me catch you one of those "in-depth" pre-game interview pieces. You know, the kind where you try to make the 350 pound defensive tackle cry on camera by telling him how his third agent's daughter got ridiculed at school because her daddy represents a big dumb-ass jock with six illegitimate kids and two substance abuse suspensions after they found crack in his Belgian man-purse? Don't ever lose your edge, D.

Just don't lose your edge.

Of course that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.