Walking in the Woods with Congress

Walking in the Woods with Congress
by Mitch Frank

I did some research last week. I went to New Hampshire. I could claim I made the trip to prepare for the primary season there, and trust me, that’s what I’m telling the trusting accountants in The American Partisan’s business department. This magazine has been rolling in dough ever since we started charging folks to send me hate mail, and I’m taking advantage. (I’m just kidding. You can still insult me for free.)

But I didn't go to New Hampshire for any primary scouting. I went for a walk in the woods. And man, it was quiet.

You see, the woods have something I haven’t had for a long time – no media.

That’s right. I’m a media junkie. I cannot live without a constant infusion of 24 hour news coverage, be it cable news, news.com, or just a magazine or newspaper. Without a steady exposure to headlines, commentary, and breaking updates, I start to pace and scratch my arm violently. I get paranoid and go into withdrawal. It’s a sad sight, really.

It all started when I went to work for TIME. Part of my job is watching for breaking news on TV or the news wires. So we have CNN or one of the other networks on 24/7 in my office. And very quickly, I started to get sick of it all. I mean, the simple fact is there is not really enough news for 24 hours worth of constant coverage. This is why news networks rely so heavily on pundits. They fill the dead time with endless meaningless debate:

“So Mary, what do you think about taxes?”

“They’re bad.”

“And you, Bill?”

“Taxes are good.”

“Mary?”

“Bill sucks.”

But as sick as I was of 24 hour news, the moment I left work for a vacation, I started to show withdrawal signs. I went to London for 2 weeks, and was dismayed that the British Isles have no 24 hour news. What was I going to do? At bedtime I had nothing to watch but football and cricket. And I still don’t understand cricket after two weeks – like why they keep breaking for tea.

Sadly, I had to accept that I have an addiction. But I fight it a bit by forcing myself to turn my back on the news and go off to the woods once a year. And so, my buddy Jeff Matthews and I went hiking in New Hampshire’s White Mountains and got away from all the buzz and punditry.

Now, three days of hiking on the Appalachian Trail on the highest mountains on the East Coast is hard enough, but it’s doubly so when a hurricane decides to attack the East Coast like Dick Armey attacks welfare moms. Yes, Hurricane Floyd messed with my vacation.

After one glorious day of sunshine and eight hours hiking, Jeff and I spent two days in wind and rain. We couldn't’t see any of the mountains other than the rock ledges in front of us, and let me tell you personally – Gore-Tex can keep you dry only so long.

But Floyd hit us much more mildly than it hit other regions and we spent our nights warm and safe in the Appalachian Mountain Club’s trail huts. And the rain only increased the majesty of nature that surrounded us.

Nothing makes a man feel smaller than mountains. And yet nothing makes him feel greater. I looked over valleys during our trip and realized God must exist and has created a world with so much beauty it’s a wonder we have time to make coffee and war instead of staring all day. And after looking out at the valley, I felt so mighty to have climbed the mountain, and mighty for having a mind capable of seeing so much beauty and realizing how lucky I was.

Now before you think I've gone loopy and that you’ll see me selling beads and tree sprigs at flea markets soon, I’ll reassure you I’m the same crazy political columnist I was last week when I said politics was like watching two fat people have sex (this will be referred to hereafter as the Two Fat People Metaphor). But pulling yourself away from the political debate to look at mountains every now and then is an important exercise. Let me explain.

When you follow politics long enough and write about the political struggles from Washington to small town America, you can get obsessed. The issues seem so important – and in many ways, they are. We’re arguing about educating the young, caring for the elderly, and stopping and starting wars.

And in Washington, the obsession is far too apparent. When people speak of the “Washington beltway culture,” they’re talking about the political community’s tendency to focus solely on politics. Republicans are arguing that God himself hates Democrats, and the Democrats respond that Republicans hate average Americans. Political donors are giving billions to election campaigns that are supposed to belong to the people. And the media is covering all of this 24 hours a day.

But no matter what they’re doing in Washington, the sun still rises in the East and sets in the West. Trees still turn green in the Spring and red, yellow, and brown in the Fall. Rivers overflow their banks when hurricanes dump 12 inches of rain in two days.

So as the political season starts to heat up with campaigning and budget battles and unavoidable scandals, don’t forget there are mountains in New Hampshire as well as primaries.

OK, so I’m being too philosophical. But maybe I could do some good here. Maybe I should organize a mountain retreat for politicians. I’ll get them all backpacks and tents and take them up into the mountains for a week. I mean, think about it – Henry Hyde could use the exercise. He hasn't seen his feet since he was young enough to have youthful indiscretions. And no senator can give a filibuster when he’s hiking ten miles – he’ll be too out of breath.

And maybe I could make them engage in team building exercises out there. Republicans and Democrats could participate in trust falls together, build bridges that don’t go to the 21st Century together, or just cook a meal together.

Oh sure, the next week they’ll be fighting to the death for some legislative pork in a disaster relief bill (undoubtedly for Hurricane Trixie or Typhoon Muffy or something). But maybe they won’t take it all so seriously.

And if they don’t learn anything, I could just leave them on a mountain in the middle of a hurricane... with bears.

www.american-partisan.com