Great Debates?

Great Debates?
by Mitch Frank

Since 1960, Americans have turned to television to help them choose their leader. Since the first televised presidential debate between then-Vice President Richard Nixon and Senator John F. Kennedy, the vision of candidates verbally sparring on television has had a powerful impact on voters. It’s a well-known story that those who listened to the debate on the radio thought Nixon had won the debate. But those who watched it live on TV thought that Nixon liked little boys a bit too much and did not know how to feed himself.

Last week, America got a good long look at most of the men who want to follow in both JFK and RMN’s footsteps and be president. Well, at least it would have gotten a good look, if it had bothered to watch the televised town hall meetings in New Hampshire Wednesday and Thursday. But in a scheduling snafu, the debates were only shown on CNN and a local New Hampshire station – leaving out anyone without cable or a Granite State license plate. Not only that, someone scheduled the Wednesday and Thursday debates at the same time as game four of the World Series and a rerun of “Friends” respectively. And let’s be honest, Jennifer Aniston could probably beat Governor George W. Bush if she decided to run.

But for those who did watch, these debates provided a good long look at the candidates – and all their strengths and weaknesses.

Thursday night’s Republican debate was like watching a pack of squirrels on cocaine try to build a bridge.

You see, both debates were town hall-style, meaning audience members got to ask the candidates questions. But with five candidates – Senator Orin Hatch, Senator John McCain, Spiritual Leader Gary Bauer, Radio Host Alan Keyes, and Alien Lifeform Steve Forbes – campaigning on the stage, there was very little time for each candidate to make an impression. If they had been able to actually debate each other it might have shown the audience a real glimpse of who they are and what they stand for. Or it could have turned into a five-man, free-for-all brawl. Both would have been kind of entertaining.

But with each candidate individually responding to questions from the crowd, and only an hour to do so, the Republicans could only speak for about a minute at a time. So they would answer the question in five seconds and then deliver 55 seconds of their trademark stump speech, only to have to wait ten minutes to get a chance to give the next 55 seconds of it. They spoke quickly, trying to explain in 60 seconds or less who they were and why you should vote for them. All except for Steve Forbes, who spoke in the slow, monotonous, nonblinking manner he learned in his years of trying to pass for an Earthling.

If there was anyone who might have lost points in the sprint to speak, it was John McCain. His campaign image centers around him being a dignified hero – someone who doesn’t rush or work hard to impress. After all, once you’ve been tortured night and day by Vietnamese captors, you don’t exactly worry about the likes of Gary Bauer. But McCain looked a little awkward, trying nobly to get his vision across in far too little time. He might have come across looking foolish.

But then, there’s an advantage to sharing a stage with Keyes and Bauer. The audience was far more tolerant of McCain’s awkwardness, especially because the only candidate with better poll standings had earned their displeasure by not attending. George W. Bush’s absence only hurt him. It made him seem like he assumes he’s already won. It made the challengers onstage likeable underdogs.

As for the rest of the gang, Orin Hatch was dignified but out of place. Bauer was... religious. He probably did not win any converts because he focused solely on spiritual issues, but he was admirable for taking some stands that disagreed with the rest of the party. God obviously comes before GOP.

Quite a few people reacted to Keyes being in the debate by asking me – “Who was the Black Republican?”

Granted this probably sounds a bit racially insensitive. But Keyes, who has pretty much been such a fringe candidate he makes Donald Trump look like he has the stature of Abraham Lincoln, got more publicity than he could have imagined last week. Now that people know he is running, they might be very interested to hear what he has to say.

But then he’ll open his mouth.

You see, after Keyes went on at length over his plans to eliminate all taxes, all government services, all public schools, all public roads, all environmental protections, and pretty much reduce the government to a border patrol unit and a small information booth on Pennsylvania Avenue, most people’s curiosity about what he had to say had faded.

Steve Forbes spoke at length how he would implement a flat tax. Then he would begin a government program to force feed the entire population so when his relatives from the outer moon of Forbes IV landed they could quickly begin harvesting all of us for food.

In contrast, Wednesday night’s Democratic debate was a casual, relaxed affair. Well, everyone was relaxed except Vice President Al Gore – he was burning 1,000,000 calories a second trying to look relaxed.

When I first heard Bill Bradley was entering the race against Gore for the Democratic nomination, I thought this was the answer to every insomniac’s dream. I admire both candidates for various reasons, but the two of them could put Richard Simmons in a coma. Gore’s wonkishness and wooden delivery give him the personality of particle board. Bradley, meanwhile, looks like his brain is always fighting a losing battle to remain interested in talking to you. This was a recipe for the most boring presidential candidate since Calvin Coolidge.

But then Gore started losing his lead to Bradley and decided he had to recapture a connection to the people. He had to get scrappy, he had to get fiery, he had to get desperate.

Yes, Al Gore is looking pretty desperate despite there being three months until the first primary.

At first, Gore’s efforts to reconnect with average folks were looking smart. He moved his campaign to Nashville. Nothing average folks like more than the Grand Old Opry and Dollywood. And he went to New Hampshire and started going door to door, meeting people one on one and hearing their stories. He was really looking good.

Then he went on television looking like he would be willing to clean voters’ rain gutters with his tongue if they asked him to.

Here was a typical Gore exchange with a questioner:

“Mr. Vice President, my name is Phyllis Johnson. I was wondering what your position on ergonomics...”

“Phyllis, where are you from?”

“Hannover.”

“Are you married? Do you have any kids?"

“Well, yes.”

“Do your kids like baseball? Cause I could come over tomorrow and play catch with them. And then I could clean your floors, clean out the garage, etc. Do you need any work done around the house? By the way, I really like you, Phyllis.”

In contrast, Bradley was relaxed. He did not look like a candidate. He looked like a man who was running for president because he felt he could make a difference. And if not, he could always go back to shooting jump shots in the driveway back in Jersey.

Of course, he also looked a little aloof. He was not trying to charm anyone. But eight years after Bill Clinton began his run for the White House, America may be sick of candidates who feel their pain – who try so much to charm you. If anything, Bush has been looking like a Clintonesque candidate. Last week, Bradley looked honest. And it was working.

Sadly, unless Gore relaxes and stops trying so hard, voters will never realize that he is a very intelligent candidate who also cares very much about their concerns. And six months from now he may be knocking on your door offering to paint your garage.

Of course, I’d let him in before Nixon.

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