That Pericles Guy Was Neat

That Pericles Guy Was Neat – and a Grecian!
by Mitch Frank

After spending an entire year running for president while exuding the cool, laidback demeanor of a frat boy, George W. Bush quoted Pericles last week. Search parties have been organized to find his real personality again.

Why was Bush quoting Pericles, not to mention speaking in inspiring phrases reminiscent of Winston Churchill? He was showing he’s not stupid. Specifically, he was giving a 35-minute address on foreign affairs to show he’s not stupid.

Why does the governor of Texas have to prove he’s not stupid? Well it’s not because he’s from the state with the largest number of drive-through liquor stores. After all, Lyndon Johnson was from Texas and married a woman named Lady Bird - yet no one questioned his IQ.

But W has an intellectual image problem – especially when it comes to foreign affairs. And he’s starting to take drastic steps to prove he’s no dope. How far is he willing to go?

The problem started innocently enough. After all, no one assumes the leader of one our larger states and a man who spent his college days at Yale is stupid. But George Herbert Walker Menendes Hiraldo Bush’s son made a few innocent slipups here and there in speeches in the past few months. He called Kosovars Kosovarians. He tried to talk about Greeks and ended up talking about Grecians. He confused Slovakia and Slovenia? (I am always doing that. I’ll see Slovenia in the mall and ask how the breakup with the Czech Republic went, and I end up all embarrassed). And then some nasty Boston television reporter threw a pop quiz in his face. And people started questioning W’s grasp of the globe.

But what did we expect from the poor guy? Who’s the leader of Chechnya? Sheesh. Everyone knows there’s no such place. And it’s hard memorizing all those far-flung nations, capitals, and leaders – who we like, who’s not nice, who insulted Dad, who’s got biological weapons. Not to mention all the states and governors and congressmen and senators and... whew, isn’t this what advisers are for? I mean aren’t there like 89 states by now anyhow when you count Puerto Rico and Haiti?

Now, the governor is not stupid. After all, he never misspelled potatoe.

So W started hitting back. He gave his address on foreign affairs at the Ronald Reagan Library in California (“Hey, I didn’t know Uncle Ronnie owned this many books!”) In the speech Bush outlined his plans for the world’s only superpower in the 21st Century. His plan?

He’s not going to lead the nation into isolationism. But he’s not going to run from conflict to conflict playing policeman either. Bush also announced China and Russia were not getting any free rides anymore. He denounced the growth of corruption in the chaos of post-Soviet Russia and threatened to cut off aid. He also called China everything short of a nation governed by murderers and said he would not ignore its misbehavior.

But Bush can’t stop there if he’s going to nip this IQ question in the bud. So I’ve got a suggestion guaranteed to get voters on his side. I think the governor should appear on ABC’s Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Think about it. If W. does well enough, he’ll prove he’s got the smarts to be Commander-in-Chief. Not only that, the smarts to win a million bucks – which he can donate to one of those compassionate faith-based charity organizations he’s always talking about. And Regis Philbin is just the kind of sidekick a candidate needs. After all he’s made Kathy Lee look good for years.

But all kidding aside, there’s a bigger issue here. It’s not just a question of W. knowing who the treasurer of Micronesia is (hint: Billy Carter). It’s how he makes decisions and handles stress.

The irony here is that John McCain is supposed to be the candidate with the temper. But W has shown signs he may explode one day. During his younger, brasher days, Bush was known for not taking criticism very well. In 1988, reporters who questioned his father’s run for the big, white house often found themselves on W’s bad side for a few days shy of eternity. One pundit took his kids out for dinner only to have an intoxicated George W screaming obscenities at him.

The Republican frontrunner was having quite a honeymoon with the press this year – until stories of cocaine use kept being mentioned. W didn’t handle the media’s scrutiny smoothly. First he fumbled with Clintonian qualifications and half-denials. Finally he lashed out, blasting the press for following up on what was a shady but legitimate rumor – a rumor that should have been fair game when a candidate was getting great mileage out of stories of his quitting alcohol and finding God.

And how about that Boston TV interview, which, in all fairness, was an ambush? Bush restrained himself, but his jaw was clenched tighter than Strom Thurmond’s prostate. He looked like he wanted to show the reporter where he could shove a thousand points of light.

Aside from the temper problem, Bush faces questions about his approach to challenges and decision making. Bush has made it clear he doesn’t consider it a president’s priority to know every nuance and detail of policy and fact. In his role as governor, he has made it a practice to let his advisers tell him about an issue and then make a decision based on their analyses. He does not like it when his staff gives him lengthy detailed reports either. The shorter, the sweeter. Just tell him what the two sides of the issue are and he’ll give a yes or no.

These are far more legitimate aspects of W for voters to question than whether he can spell Somalia. And those aspects are not yet being questioned. And while the press should not be laying more traps for W, their questioning of his qualifications may show once and for all whether he can control his temper.

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