A Match Made in Hell

A Match Made in Hell
by Mitch Frank

Last week, journalists everywhere cheered with joy. Hillary Clinton finally came out and announced she plans to run for New York’s soon-to-be vacant Senate seat next year. All of us are happy, and not because we’re big Hillary fans. We’re happy because a race between Clinton and likely Republican opponent, New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, should provide enough campaign excitement to keep us busy no matter how boring the race for president ends up being.

Rudy and Hillary. Just saying their names make reporters as giddy as Dan Quayle in line for that Pokemon movie. And why shouldn’t it? These two are politicians every voter loves to hate. In fact, many New Yorkers will vote next November against the candidate they hate, rather than for the candidate they love. Hey, it’s that kind of state.

Drum Roll Please!

Here are my two rules for New York Senate 2000:

Rule #1 - The race between Rudy Giuliani and Hillary Clinton will be more about their detractors than their supporters. In other words, the candidate less people hate, wins.

Is this because New Yorkers fit the stereotype of mean, cynical bitter people? No. Just because those of us who live in the city would rather step on you face than smile, doesn't mean we're hateful. We're just hurried.

And besides, New York City does not decide who's elected Senator. Despite our firm belief that the rest of the state consists of 400 cows and a farmer named Harry, New York state is divided into several key regions:

The City. This is the large, noisy area made up of people who bought those t-shirts that say - "New York. Our city could kick your city's ass any day." (This is an actual t-shirt). City folks hate everyone, but they hate Rudy more than they hate Hillary. We know Rudy. We've seen him in action. It's not pretty. Exceptions to this rule include Catholic School principals, cops, and George Steinbrenner.

The Suburbs. These are made up of people who work in New York City, but are scared to spend their nights there. They live in Long Island, Westchester, or Rockland County. They have kids, dogs, and sports utility vehicles. They tend to hate Rudy even more than we do. That's why Hillary's moving in with them. Important note: Despite the fact that the entire population of Connecticut and Northern New Jersey commutes to work in the city, they do not get to vote for Senator. Maybe they should stop being pansies and move to a real state.

Upstate. This is the rest of New York, consisting mostly of vast tracks of farmland and forest stretching from the Atlantic to the Great Lakes, with several towns like Buffalo, Binghamton, Albany, Syracuse, and Plattsburgh thrown in for variety. It is a cow intensive region, but it's also a one time industrial belt, much like Ohio and Michigan. These folks hate Hillary a lot more than Rudy, mostly because the one thing they hate more than politicians from New York City is politicians from Washington, D.C.

So why is the hate factor so important in this race? Well, while Giuliani and Clinton have devout fans, most folks I speak to usually are lukewarm or uncertain about one candidate. That's the one they're going to vote for.

But when I mention the other candidate, their face darkens, flame shoots from their eyes, and they start to speak with the unholy voice my fiance' uses when she talks about clowns (Hates clowns devoutly. I have no idea why. I think they killed her dad or something).

Why do folks hate Rudy?

Well, New Yorkers used to love Rudy. When he was first elected, New Yorkers loved his toughness, his Italian-Brooklyn accent, and his brashness. He reminded a lot of New Yorkers of Fiorello LaGuardia, the depression era mayor who took no crap, despite being 4'5".

But a lot of New Yorkers now think Rudy's just mean.

Take his recent actions toward the homeless. First, he announced that any homeless people living in city shelters would have to work to pay the city for using the shelters. Those who don't work will be kicked out. Any parents who don't work will be kicked out while their children are taken away by the city.

A few weeks later, Giuliani announced the police would be arresting homeless folks sleeping on the streets. To many, it looks like the Mayor just wants the homeless to disappear. He wants it to be illegal to be poor.

Why do people hate Hillary?

Well, I never thought conservatives could hate anyone more than they hate Bill Clinton. But then I saw how much they hate his wife.

Now, what makes Hillary more detestable than a man they routinely accuse of singlehandedly destroying the fabric of American society?

Well, she differs from Bill in two important ways. She is a strong, smart, self-assertive woman. And she doesn't have his Southern charm. I'm willing to bet people don't hate Hillary for her lack of Southern charm.

So it has to come down to the fact she's the first first lady since Eleanor Roosevelt to have opinions, ideals, ambition, and a spine. Well, she's got some nerve. Now on to the next principle.

Rule #2 - The candidate who screws up less, will win.

One thing Rudy and Hillary share in common fascinates me - they are both political novices.

Think about it. Despite the prominent position each one enjoys on the national stage, he has been elected to one office - mayor - while she has never been elected to anything. And both have shown rather poor political ears in the campaign so far.

Clinton may have spent most of her life married to the savviest campaigner in American history, but she has not shown much political astuteness. She has let Republicans use the carpetbagger label to it's fullest possible extent. She has stalled in declaring her intentions. And then there's her performance in the Suha Arafat affair.

No, she shouldn't have stood up during a speech by the Palestinian Authority Chairman's wife and caused an international incident in the most sensitive region of the world. But Team Hillary should have been fighting the spin war from the moment it happened. She should have denounced the speech as soon as she was back on American soil.

As for Giuliani, he routinely shoots himself in the foot. What's more, he is incapable of taking criticism. Whenever anyone challenges his authority, his standard response is that they are sick and need mental help. Not a good quality for a future junior senator.

Giuliani seems incapable of seeing things from another person's point of view - whether that person is poor, black, or liberal. He is downright disrespectful to anyone with differing opinions from his. He is a dictator, something that won't serve him well in a legislative body known for compromise.

So as the Senate campaign in this match of the decade heats up next year, watch for whose campaign falters first and most. When so many people hate these candidates, the swing voters are those who hate both of them. Whichever candidate missteps more, will find themselves on the losing end of the ballot.

www.american-partisan.com