Dating vs. Courtship

Dating vs. Courtship
by Julie Foster

The following is a list of words defined by Webster:

Marriage: The institution under which a man and a woman become legally united.

Date: an appointment, especially with a person of the opposite sex; a person of the opposite sex with whom an appointment is made.

Courtship: the wooing of a person.

Woo: to be assiduously attentive in seeking to win something or someone.

Assiduous: constant in working or attention.

The following working definitions have been derived from the above and shall apply for the purposes of this discussion:

Marriage: the status of being legally united.

Dating: scheduling time to spend with a person of the opposite sex.

Courtship: the action of constantly working to seek out and attend to a person of the opposite sex in order to "win" them in marriage.

I have found that when discussing romantic relationships, it is crucial to be operating under the same set of definitions.

Here's my premise: dating is unnecessary when searching for your life-long partner in marriage.

My husband and I were married just a few months ago. We have what most people consider to be a cute story of how we met, fell in love, and got married. And yes, I'll tell an abbreviated version of that story here.

We met on a Monday night toward the end of February in 1998. We were at a work function in the basement bar of a popular hangout in downtown Sacramento. He was new to the area and didn't know many people. We both worked in politics where friends and connections are a necessity. So, my friends and I took him in and made him part of our "circle."

Ian and I went on our first date (as previously defined) that Friday night. While I know that Ian had very specifically set a date with me, I had no intention of dating him. So, I politely told him in the car on our way to the restaurant that I would be constantly evaluating him as a potential marriage partner, and I expected him to do the same. When one or both of us had reached a conclusion, we would let the other know and either get married or break up.

I know to some that may paint a negative picture of me, but you see, I was not interested in dating. I had already been in a couple of long-term dating relationships, and I didn't want to use my time for that purpose. Some women want to be teachers, some high-powered executives, I wanted a husband and family, and I wasn't going to spend my time dating around so I could "get to know" everybody.

With my "declaration of intent to court," as it were, I also gave Ian an out. If he wasn't interested in my terms or was freaked out, or just generally scared at that point, he could turn the car around and take me home right then. Courtship doesn't work if only one person is participating.

Ian later told me he was scared, but he didn't turn the car around. We courted and five months later were engaged.

Skeptics will say, "I give 'em three years," but I challenge those of you who doubt the stability of such relationships: do you stay married because you're happy with someone or because you made a commitment? Happiness will come and go no matter what your situation in life. But are you in marriage just for fun or for faithfulness?

It doesn't have to take years to ensure you've found "the one." Courtship has a level of disclosure and honesty not present in a dating environment. You get to the "heart," if you will, of each other very quickly because you have a specified goal in mind - marriage.

Emotions and heartstrings are not as easily manipulated in a "break up" as they can be with dating. If the answer is "no," it comes very quickly, as opposed to dating relationships which can linger off and on for years.

I understand that there are many people out there that want to date. And that's fine by me. Not everyone wants to get married. My concern is for the women of the world who have been convinced that wanting to find a husband and have a family somehow makes them desperate or pathetic. It does not. You are no better or worse than the woman who strives to be at the top of her career. Oh, it's okay for you to want to be a mom, but to want to actively seek out a husband - that's just sad, or so parts of society would have you believe. The problem is that wife/mother is rarely seen as a legitimate "career" option.

So go for it! If the guy freaks out and takes you home, then he's not "the one!" You want someone that has the same goal. Don't let it bother you when people ridicule you for holding this view. People love to ridicule me, but guess what... they're most often not married or don't want to be! So who cares what they think!

By the way, as methodical and unromantic as courtship, as defined here, may sound, my husband and I dearly love one another. We set out to find "the one" and we did! The real romance has only just begun!

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