What's the Standard?

What's the Standard?
by Julie Foster

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
- Jeremiah 17:9

There is a fundamental misunderstanding among Americans that human beings are intrinsically good. Even though people make mistakes and can be hurtful, deep down inside we all have a good heart. If you operate under that assumption, it makes sense to let children "find their own way."

As they grow, children will encounter different circumstances and problems. If those problems are approached with an open mind and the child is encouraged to do "what feels right," then we can be confident in her decision. It stands to reason that if the child is following her heart, she'll be okay.

The problem with that philosophy is this: just because something feels right doesn't mean it is. The minute we start relying on our feelings to guide us in our life's decisions, we open ourselves up to the fickleness of the heart. Feelings can change from one minute to the next. You could end up second- and third- and fourth-guessing yourself into oblivion.

The way to avoid these headaches is to accept that there is an objective standard of right and wrong and stick to it. When you do what you know is right your feelings will follow the lead of your actions.

Unfortunately, many parents have stopped teaching this basic principle of living to their children. Why? Two reasons:

First, people don't want to be held to an objective standard of right and wrong. It's the story of post-modern America. Tolerance and permissiveness are the new morality - if you don't tell someone how they should live their life, then they can't tell you how to live yours. And isn't that what we all want? Not to be told that what we're doing is wrong and that we should change our behavior?

The second reason parents aren't teaching their children an objective standard of right and wrong and then holding them to it is that parents are afraid of their kids. Many parents fear teenage rebellion. And I'll admit, it's a pretty frightening situation. The way to avoid rebellion is by being permissive. That way, they won't have anything to rebel against.

There's also the issue of popularity. For some reason, parents in America think they need to be their kids' friends. I've never understood this. I'd like to believe that those parents who want to be their children's friends are convinced that there will be a free-flow of information from parent to child. The parent will then know what's going in the child's life and so parenting will be more effective. But I'm not convinced that's the case. I wonder, how many parents befriend their children because they want to be liked, indeed, to be popular with their teenagers?

I admit that I am not a parent. I look forward to being one, and I hope that I'll do a good job. But, for now, the only role I have played in the parenting process is that of child. In that role, I have seen some interesting displays of parenting for popularity.

At my high school, parents would buy alcohol for their kids' parties and then allow the drunk teenagers to sleep over. This was rationalized as, "They're going to go get drunk anyway, so I might as well provide a safe place to keep them off the roads." How noble.

And I'm sure we've all met at least one mother who proudly announces that her daughter "tells me everything! We're such great friends!" That's nice. I'm happy that a mother can take her 16 year old daughter to Starbucks and chat about their love lives over lattes.

My parents had the unenviable task of raising three teenagers at the same time. At one point, they had a 16 year-old daughter (yours truly), a 15 year-old son, and a 14 year-old daughter under the same roof. Those adolescent years were tumultuous, but we made it. We had our share of door-slamming and voice-raising, and at several points in time all three of us, with our hands on our hips, said to our parents, "You are not the boss of me!" That pronouncement also came not in the form of words, but actions (i.e. teenage rebellion).

Do you know what happened? We were punished for being disrespectful and disobedient.

"Horrors!" you exclaim. "You mean they didn't allow you to discuss your feelings? They didn't reason with you about why they felt they were right?"

That's right. My parents made it explicitly clear that they were not my friends. They were my parents who deserved and demanded my respect and obedience. They taught us right from wrong not just with their words but with their actions as well, and we were held to their high standards in everything we did.

That did not fly well with their three teenagers. It also didn't fly well in some of my parents' circles. These two people were under enormous pressure from within and without. They were occasionally looked down on as harsh and unyielding. Traditional parenting is not popular, but it works. Because of my parents, I have a strong sense of right and wrong and I recognize my self-worth.

I know that every family is different. You can't use cookie-cutter molds for raising children. And my parents will be the first to say that all three of their kids were unique and required different parenting skills. But the core was the same: There is right and there is wrong. Choose right, even when it doesn't feel good. That's what defines your character and makes you a better person.

I look forward to seeing, as this generation of young people comes of age, a renewed use of their moral compass. Our country will be much better off.

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