Lookin' for Love...

Lookin' for Love...
by Julie Foster

In a previous column, I discussed the results of two studies that attempted to "deconstruct" the traditional American, two-parent family. Single-motherhood is now glorified not only as the new norm of our society, but also as a potentially superior child-rearing environment. My knee jerk reaction to such propositions is one of shock and horror – to me, the traditional family is sacred. However, the studies did provoke me to more carefully consider the rise of single-motherhood and how I should respond as a conservative Christian to today’s society’s new mores.

But before any other conservatives (specifically, economic conservatives) get all worked up and start talking about the tax structure or lack of child care that all make it next to impossible for a single mom to make it in America, I want to begin by stating my underlying assumption about single motherhood:

It is a symptom of a much larger and more painful problem. We, men and women, lack self-control and commitment. Yes, it really is that simple. So this will be a look not at how to cure rampant single motherhood, but at how we got here in the first place.

We can quickly see two general categories of single moms: those whose marriages have failed and those who never had a marriage to begin with.

It's impossible to talk about never-been-married mothers without talking about sex. Over the last year and a half, I have developed a friendship with a very troubled teenage girl. She became sexually active at age 13. This astounded me, and in the course of one conversation we had, I asked her if that's normal among the teenagers she knows. She gave me a strange look as though I were completely out of touch, which apparently I am, and said she didn't even know any virgins her own age. My heart broke.

There are growing numbers of teens who are being more vocal about their stance of abstinence until marriage, and I'm grateful for the progress, albeit slow, we're making in the area of abstinence education. But ladies, we need to examine what kind of models we have been to these young women. What are we telling them? What do they see when they watch us? How much of a discrepancy is there between the two?

We can blame rampant hormones of the pubescent population, free condoms at school, and even the media. But what about the minority of teens that aren't doing it? Are they freaks with no sex drive? Are they the ugly, nerdy kids that no one wants? Or perhaps could they know their self-worth without needing a boy to want them? Keep in mind that I can only speak with any confidence about girls, having been one.

We need to ask ourselves why our girls are seeking love and affirmation in the wrong places. Moms, are you telling your girls explicitly that sex does not equal love, much less commitment? That sex will not earn a man's love? Or do they see different men coming out of your room for breakfast in the morning? Are you loving your child not just with your words, but with your selfless sacrifice that considers them first in everything you do? Or are they an afterthought, an obstacle, or a hurdle to overcome that require a babysitter to allow you the freedom to do what you want?

Do not be offended by these questions. They have to be asked. Look at our youth, particularly our young women. You can't tell me that nothing is amiss, and that even if you see the problem, that we haven't contributed. I don't believe that.

Our young women are crying out to be loved and we tell them to use a condom. Is that because, single moms of girls, we are afraid of being hypocrites? I understand - I don't want my young friend to get pregnant, and I know there's nothing I can do to stop her from having sex. Yes, I encouraged her to use birth control. But do you understand that it doesn't have to go that far?

Moms, you have your girls from infancy. Teach them well, love them with your words and your actions. Be a good example. If you don't want to be a hypocrite, change your behavior. Single motherhood is self-perpetuating. Don't condemn your children to a life without self-control and integrity by giving them license to imitate your actions in order to ease your conscience.

I don't know what we can do about those girls, like my friend, who are already on the wrong path. Just love them and encourage them. But there's an entire generation on its way that needs to be shown they are loved as they are. Be committed to your kids!

Let's not forget single moms that have found themselves in their situation due to a failed marriage. I won’t point the finger at anyone in particular on this one. The varying circumstances that lead to broken marriages are so vast that it would be impossible to address them all. But I beg and plead with men and women to stay together. Be merciful with each other. None of us are perfect. I hate divorce, but I understand that bad things happen even to the most well-intentioned people. Just remember that marriage is commitment and commitment is never easy. It's trite and old fashioned, but it's no less true. We must love each other, forgive each other, and commit to each other.

There is an objective standard of right and wrong and it does include our sexual behavior. Honestly, I don't know what to say to those of you who do not acknowledge the superiority of a morality that restricts sexual behavior. Maybe someday we'll talk about moral relativism and how successful secular humanism has been at deceiving people. But many who read this magazine do acknowledge such a moral standard. And it's to you that I say, "Do the right thing!"

One more thing - before some of you clap too loudly in agreement, remember that you are responsible to love these single moms and their children and the men that have been involved in their lives. Avoid the hands-on, hearts-off approach. Help our single moms by giving them material assistance and, perhaps more importantly, by being in relationship with them. It's appropriate to point out wrongs that need to be righted, but it must be accompanied by love and forgiveness. For just as it is in the marriage relationship, we need to remember that none of us is perfect and that no one will change through condemnation.

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