Bush, McCain, Gore, Bradley, Keyes and Mickey Mouse

Bush, McCain, Gore, Bradley, Keyes and Mickey Mouse
by Tim Loughner

I have sat by quietly for many months now waiting for someone to give me a good reason to vote for our Presidential contestants. As a publisher of a magazine that produces 90% political commentary on a daily basis, I figured I would have to say little and take in the opinion of others to make an informed decision on which way to vote. Since I am a Libertarian, I have kept my options open as the Libertarian Party has yet to produce a viable candidate. Sorry Harry, but I am unable to vote for you and feel good about it the next day.

But even with a year and a half of solid, balanced coverage of the 2000 Presidential race, the only thing I have been convinced of is who not to vote for. I feel like I am at a grocery store where all I have to choose from is brussel sprouts, garbonzo beans, evaporated milk and stewed tomatoes. All good foods, but not too tasty by themselves.

In the first ring of this undeniable circus, we have W. Apparently W was supposed to be the shoe in for the Republicans. But this plastic exterior is starting to melt away revealing the hollow inards that have little to say. A man who is questionably Conservative, a spoiled bleeding heart and has no real proven track record, he is the last person in the Republican Party I will vote for.

Working the drive-up window, there is McCain. His mission is to sell french fries to those Republicans and Independents who have not made up their minds. But just like trained customers who have been taught to ignore suggestive selling, the old line "would you like fries with that?" is only scoring 30%-50%. While some realize that french fries go great with a burger, others have wised up to the extra calories attached. But I won't write McCain off as we are, after all, America the Fat.

Over in the janitors mop closet we have good ol' Al. He is a hard working fellow who late at night takes a seat in the Executive chair dreaming about becoming something more than he is. He spins around in that chair in circles like a little kid only stopping to push all the big government computer buttons he can. However, there is no chance for success because the company he is cleaning up after is the Clinton Administration who are the messiest bunch of office folk around.

On the court, we have Basketball Bradley going after the Democratic rebound. Standing tall, Basketball Bradley is attempting to slam dunk the Democrats into believing that good ol' Al is actually a Conservative!!! While he is dribbling around the real truth that he stands no chance against Al, he has at least realized that having sports analogies won't give him the three pointer. If only Jack Kemp would have have taken this example.

And finally, like the voice of someone crying in the wilderness, there is Keyes the Baptist. An honest man, perhaps the most honest in this race, he has to realize that it is impossible for him to become President. Keyes is a big speaker on morality and decentcy, but to his dismay, we live in a "closet religion" society who is frightened by the first sound of God mentioned in a speech. Not taken seriously enough, Keyes is like mud on the bottom of W and McCain's shoes, an annoyance but doing little to slow them down.

It has been said that Mickey Mouse often gets as many as 20,000 votes a year as a write-in candidate in some office or another. That is an interesting statistic, especially since Mickey has never run for politics. But in all honesty, Mickey might make a great politician. He is good looking, he is good with children, the gay community loves him, and he is a rodent. What more could we ask for in a politician?

Between W, Fast-Food McCain, good ol' Al, Basketball Bradley, and Keyes the Baptist, I guess you would have to vote for the best choice possible keeping out those you deffinately don't want in office. I did that in 1996 when I voted for Bob Dole in a futile attempt to keep out Clinton. But the lesser of evil is still evil.

Vote Mickey in 2000...