On Being Average
by Tim Loughner

"I am just a dude."

That is what I say to myself when I look into my extra large bathroom mirror every morning as I try to flex my muscles which are buried under my blubbery "winter insulation." No matter how much I like to think I am God's gift to Man, I am shot down by my own self-actualization that I am simply: Average.

Like most men, I enjoy the finer things in life: beer, home-theater, and a good steak. I won't kid anyone into thinking that I enjoy long talks, walks on the beach and romantic comedies, because I don't. I like my chili hot, my music loud, and sitting on my butt watching made for TV movies at two in the afternoon.


Somewhere along the lines of man's evolution into the modern age, the pure and simple beauty of being your-lazy-good-for-nothing-self was degraded into a happy, touchy-feely, "I'm sorry" wuss of a man. One moment a guy got the chicks if he toted a gun and a 5 o'clock shadow, the next moment he is eating granola and drinking cappuccino's while watching Mad About You. Once men tuned up their muscle cars on Sunday afternoons while drinking half a case of beer, now they get dragged by their leashes to shopping malls and actually look like they might enjoy looking for that 40th pair of shoes with their wives.

What has happened to embracing that which we men hold dear? Is it the Twilight Zone? Unsolved Mysteries? Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Only primetime TV provides the answers to the disturbing reality that man is slowly becoming... woman.

After leaving a budding career as a surgical technologist, I chose to do what I like better - the Internet and sales. The Internet for obvious reasons like sitting on your butt for hours and sales for what I sell: electronics. Yes folks, by night I edit and publish The American Partisan, by day I manage a Radio Shack.

I love working for the Shack. For starters, I get to play with lots of cool toys, get paid very well, and get a nice employee discount. But I am going to go a bit deeper, perhaps even a little sensitive here--you see, we save lives at Radio Shack.

Malls are Hell on Earth for real men. Between the endless rows of women's clothing stores and the swarms of mall-rats spreading the Plague, Radio Shack is a virtual Mecca. There it stands, alone in the cold abyss like a life-raft in an endless sea of anti-man merchandising. Name another guy store in a mall... try it. Oh sure, you can find a Big 5 Sporting goods store or something along those lines. Many point to Eddie Bauer as a guys store, but what real man shops there?

At the Shack, guys can breath the fresh, unscented air and talk about RF modulators and CB radios. We watch the game on satellite TV, play handheld poker games and listen to classic rock on 18 different radios. This is our version of crying on each other's shoulders about how much we hate being dragged by our testicles to the mall.  In this small way guys are allowed to be just "dudes" as opposed to "wussies."

Being a single guy, I enjoy the luxury of dirtying every dish in the house with cans of pork 'n' beans mixed with BBQ sauce. I can leave my smelly socks in the middle of the living room floor with only my roommate to add more.  But most importantly, the toilet seats stays up! And why do we need to put toilet paper on the roll anyway? It's just fine on the bathroom counter.

Men need to embrace this.  Why?  Because that is what we are, and those who won't 'fess up must have that whip cracking just bit extra hard or be a bit feminine themselves.

I am not suggesting in becoming such a slob that your house becomes unsanitary. Yes guys, there is a time that you should clean the pubic hairs off the toilet bowl rim (or kitchen counter...) - do it sometime around the 15th of the month. Yes guys, you should wash dishes at some point - usually about the time that you run out of clean ones. Although I know it is tough, every chore has it's time and need. I may even create a "Man's Guide to Chores" in a future issue.

We are not alone in our struggle for equal rights of the Man Lifestyle. TV programs like The Drew Carey Show and The Man Show has furthered the cause and has gained recognition for the problems facing the possible extinction of modern man as we know it. The NFL still exists in some form and beer is still legal. We have hope and there is still a faint light at the end of the tunnel.

There is a fear of being ourselves.  We must come out and say "YES! I am a man and I am proud!  Accept me for who I am." We need to stand together as the entity of sloth.

Overcome the fear, my friends, I will be there to guide you along the way.

The Everyman's Must See Movie of the Week

The X-Men... beautiful women, lots of action, stuff exploding, and beautiful women!  Oh yeah, there is a message in there about equal rights or something.

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