Dealing With Your Inner Slob: A Man's Guide to Household Chores

Dealing With Your Inner Slob:
A Man's Guide to Household Chores
by Tim Loughner

"I will control my mess; I will not let the mess control me."

Powerful words that are overlooked by even the strongest of men. Often ignored, the household pile of clutter can often become a constant hindrance in man's struggle to get laid. A contradiction in terms, your inner slob is both an angel and a demon. On one hand, it makes us who we are; on the other hand, it can prevent you from having sex.

Finding the balance between leaving your smelly socks in the living room and leaving two weeks of soiled drawers in the same place can mean the difference of 2 minutes of television! What do I mean? When removing socks from your main room, it is just as easy to kick a couple under the couch for later retrieval. Underwear on the other hand does not stuff under furniture quite as well. Sure you can stuff a couple here and there, but sticking two weeks worth or even three weeks worth is impossible at best. Ultimately you will have to bend over and remove them manually which could take up to 2 minutes if you are overweight! Imagine what you would miss on TV!?

Why not leave your underwear right where it is? True, your inner slob is vital to your emotional well-being. However, you will need to find time to actually...gulp...clean. For instance, if you are expecting female guests, you will lead them to believe that something is wrong as you stall them picking up tidy-whities. Never stall a woman longer than necessary.

To combat these unfortunate hindrances, I have created a list of common household chores that guys can use to know when and what to do. Use this only as a guide and adapt it to your personal degree of sloth.

1) Washing Dishes

It always happens, you need to get a cup of coffee and the cupboard is bare. You look in the dishwasher: it is full of dirty dishes. You look in the sink: it is full of dirty dishes. You try drinking the coffee straight from the pot, but you burn yourself.

You find the solution: you grab a bowl and lap up your precious cup of coffee like a dog.

But what happens when there are no bowls? No measuring cups (shouldn't be in any real man's house anyway)? Nothing that could possibly hold liquid exists. You may have to buckle down and do the dishes.

a. Start by washing only what you need. In this case wash only one coffee mug. Don't exert yourself, however, take breaks as needed.

b. Your second option is to put soap in the dishwasher and turn it on. It may take longer than doing it by hand, but you get much more accomplished and have a galley of clean dishes. Go ahead and leave them in there. Putting them away makes no sense when trying to save valuable television time.

-- The Dirty Dishes Hell Scenario --
You want a glass of water. You manage to find the last clean cup in the house. As you go to the faucet, you can get the cup in there because the pile of dishes is too high. What do you do?

a. Why are you drinking water? Get a beer instead.

b. Try shifting the plates to another part of the sink or easier still, move the faucet right or left to find a gap. If you are fortunate enough to have one of those flexible water sprayers, use that!

2. Doing Laundry

Laundry is a vital part of any man's chores...believe it or not! For starters, a washer makes a great place to hide your tidy-whities when those female guests come over. Plus it is one of those "easy to do chores."

a. Don't worry about separating colors and whites. Just turn the machine to cold and you can wash whatever is dirty.

b. Don't be in a big rush to take your clothes out of the washer to put them in the dryer. I usually wait until I have a new load of laundry to do. Be sure not to wait too long, however, or your clothes will start to smell and that defeats the purpose of laundry.

c. TIP - Need to get rid of wrinkles? Your dryer also doubles as an iron! A great time saver indeed. But what happens if MASH is on and you don't have the time to turn on the dryer, only to find that you are late for work and needed to get those wrinkles out? Simple, just put it on wet. By the time you get to work, it should only be slightly damp. By the end of the day, your own body heat should have dried it.

3. Vacuuming

This chore should only be performed during the following crisis times:

a. Your mother is coming to visit.

b. Any other female is coming to visit.

c. To clean that spilled bag of cheese puffs.

d. Your apartment lease is up.

4. Sweeping

See Vacuuming section.

5. The Bathroom

The bathroom is the throne room of man. It holds the secrets to man's most profound thoughts and it said that world's greatest inventions were conceived there. Men are to treasure this gift by occasionally tiding up this palace of wisdom.

a. The toilet paper roll is merely a suggestion. The bathroom counter or the toilet tank work as a quicker solution to storage of this valuable commodity.

b. The tub should have all hair removed from the drain at least once a month. This way the water will drain out when you take a shower.

c. Pubic hairs from the rim should only be removed when 1.) your mother is coming to visit or 2.) another female is coming to visit.

--
I hope that I have provided at least some starting point to beginning your tasks. Again, adjust the degree of exertion to your level of sloth and you should come out just fine. Good luck!