Assorted Assertions II

Assorted Assertions II
by Dave Munger

Reasonable people are worthless. It is only unreasonable people, who insist that their environment adapt to them rather than the reverse, who seperate us from other animals.

While the Soviet Union existed, we got so caught up in opposing that entity that we forgot something important about the Russian people themselves. They are very mean and stupid. They're a nation of cheap thugs with a sprinkling of literary geniuses.

My earlier column, The Democrats' Dictionary , was very similar to The Politically Correct Liberal Lexicon, chapter 25 of Rush Limbaugh's See, I Told You So. Similar enough that if I didn't mention that, it would seem more like plagarism than a tribute.

If anyone asks you, in reference to an event that has occured, "What kind of God would allow this to happen?", you tell him, "The evident God", since after all, the event has occured.

I think that the following would be good names for bands: The Cool People, Free Beer, The Late Vic Tayback, Waco Probe, Death As A Concept, Headmistress, Margaret Sanger and the Human Weeds, Normal-Porn.

If the President of the United States was supposed to be our leader, he would be called the Leader of the United States. His title and constitutional job description indicate that he is to preside rather than lead.

You should be able to rent cool animals, like monkeys and armadillos. The kind of animals that are too much hassle to own. Then if you couldn't think of a good place to bring a date, you could just go to a strip mall, a Denny's, a library, abandoned warehouse, parking garage, anywhere. Bring a lemur or a platipus along and you'd still make a strong impression, and she'd want to go on a second date to see what you'd come up with next. This would lose it's impact though, if everyone started doing it.

Turns out that Mountain Dew swilling geriatric base jumper who's chute didn't open in Yosemete was jumping to protest a ban on base jumping in Yosemete. Death, I know we've had our differences in the past, but I'd really just like to give you a big hug right now.

No political parties are more thoroghly statist than the ones that that go by the names "Libertarian" and "Reform". At least the Democrats openly argue in favor of statist policies on the grounds that they are supposed to promote the greater good. These third parties take basically Stalinist presumptions for granted. For example, that it is the government's perogative to determine who is and is not human.

Why are people who have sex with corpses called necrophiliacs? Shouldn't they be called necrophiles? People that want to have sex with children aren't called pedophiliacs. Hemophiliacs don't wan't to have sex with bloodclots. I know a couple of community college drama/english major freaks who should be called hemophiles. This vexes me.

The greatest enemies of the American way of life that our nation has ever faced, schoolteachers, confidently state (and often appear to believe) that languages constantly evolve. This justifies Orwellian acts of political mischief against the English language. In fact, aside from adding new words and dropping some old ones, a language only evolves when it's speakers are illiterate and they lose a major war spectacularly. The reason that Jews so often speak otherwise dead languages fluently is that they maintained literate communities during a politically unstable, preliterate era in Europe. The enemies of our language are not just the obvious hirsute tyrants. Anyone who does not use the word "man" as a gender neutral pronoun is part of the problem. The King James Bible is our best weapon against them, and the Gideons are the most important fighters in our cause. Down with social engineering, death to the New International Version!

Abuse of the terms full-figured, buxom, voluptous, zaftig, and pleasantly plump has left our language without words to describe Kate Winslet type women. People think they're doing fat chicks a favor by calling them well rounded, when in fact, it's their fault that the kind of women that men are actually attracted to are now not semantically distinguished from Rossanne. Who remembers Rue Lalenska? The words that once described her are now all simply synonyms for fat.

Many people (especially young libertarian women) make far too much of their affection for gay men. Enjoying their company should no more imply support for (or opposition to) particular political causes and religious doctrines than my own natural affinity for lesbians makes me a Wiccan free-verse poet.

Stigmatising those who choose to sit out an election once in awhile and attempting to get out the vote only results in convincing the most easily led people to vote. If those who would otherwise not vote decide to do so in response to social pressure, then by definintion these are the followers, not the leaders. That dosen't make them unworthy. We trust their judgement by allowing people to decide whether to vote or not, unlike countries like Australia, where it is legally required of all who are eligible. Incedentally, Australians are all scum, that's why they're Australian.