The Party of Lincoln

The Party of Lincoln
by Dave Munger

Here are a few things that GOP leadership is going to do, assuming that they subscribe to this column, stick hardcopies on their refrigerators and do whatever I say.

Ditch the elephant: It's not much cuter than a donkey, and it doesn't really say anything in particular. A better symbol for the party would be the image of Abraham Lincoln. That way you refresh the public memory of historic Republicanism, and you get free advertising on pennies.

Absorb Libertarians: The Libertarian Party has, if not the numbers, then the momentum that the Republican Party needs. Since consistent libertarianism is virtually indistinguishable from consistent conservatism, stealing a little libertarian thunder should be the easiest thing for the Republican Party to accomplish at this point. The first step is to stop insulting them by presuming that they are pro-abortion bong-suckers, terrified of religious people, who can be appealed to by either shifting or faking left.

The biggest thing the Libertarian Party is benefitting from right now is the drug legalisation movement. It is clearly inevitable that pot is going to be legalized, and that whoever gets credit for ending the War on Drugs is going to be extremely popular for awhile. Seizing the initiative on this will take the wind out of the Libertarian sails, convert many third party and independent voters into Republicans, force the public to rethink it's preconceptions about conservatism, and really throw the Democrats.

Re-Absorb Blacks: The Democrats are losing their grip on blacks and it is thought that soon they will no longer be voting as a block. However, it should be possible to win over enough of them to almost return to the old situation, in which blacks were overwhelmingly Republican. They already support many conservative causes like school choice, and attend church much more than white people, which is conducive to conservatism. No other segment of the population has suffered more directly as a result of liberal policies. Extreme negative campaigning could do wonders here.

Democrats have done well with these voter by telling them that basically Republicans want to kill them. When we get around to pointing out that the Democrats policies have actually been killing them all this time, we have the advantage. If a Republican is a Democrat who has been mugged, the fact that so many Blacks are victims of violent crime provides another advantage. We need tons of Willie Horton type ads; just use white guys.

Find a proper use for Alan Keyes, Steve Forbes, Dan Quayle, and Gary Bauer. There has to be some way of persuading them to run for offices they could win. If any of them really wants to ever be president, that's the only way anyway. If they can't be persuaded to do this, offering them cabinet posts or official party positions is still worth a try, and probably worth whatever money it would take. Currently, these men are resources that are entirely wasted.

Absorb Feminists: Feminism, as a political ideology or ism, is dependent on gender grievance. Now that the pleasant smelling mob is assured of voting and infanticide rights, and in the wake of the "progress" that has occurred since the sixties and women's diminished expectations of men, two sets of grievances remain. One set is artificially manufactured grievances, like exaggerated claims of glass ceilings, and drycleaners overcharging female customers. The other, favored for involving young activists, is violent crimes committed by men against women. This is useful to the left only through ludicrously complex gender-feminist propaganda techniques that equate minor rudeness with rape, and attribute criminal acts to male culture.

Historically, people who passionately oppose crime have voted Republican. The party should push for extremely harsh sentences for rapists, forcing Democrats to play the role of the "pro-rape" party. We should eliminate all domestic violence laws, insuring that anyone convicted of hitting his wife will be punished at least as severely someone who punches a stranger at a bar. He'll be prosecuted for assault and battery (aggravated), thus demonstrating the conservative principle that legislation can be minimized without letting criminals get away with anything.

Absorb the animal rights movement: The reason groups like PETA are so successful is that despite being led by small cadres of maniacs so profoundly confused as to actually think that animals have rights, they are supported by fairly large numbers of basically normal people who are simply strongly opposed to cruelty. Whenever a probable future serial killer sets a cat on fire or some drunk breaks into a zoo to molest the damn flamingoes, concern that the perpetrators might receive light sentences draws more attention to these crimes on a local level than many murders get.

There is pressure for new anti-cruelty legislation, which animal rights groups attach their names to. Since the acts of cruelty that inspire the most passionate support for "animal rights" legislation are already illegal, and the Republican party is already associated with firm punishment of crime, it should be easy to steal at least some of their thunder. The party should push for stronger sentences for violations of existing anti-cruelty laws, and possibly passing some new legislation.

Finally, most importantly, please, if you love your children, PERSUADE people that Republicans are conservative, that conservatism is at once libertarian and compassionate, and that it is better and more consistent their own beliefs than any of the alternatives. Be ready to correct people when they misunderstand. Never tire of reminding the public of the things that historically have moved them to support Republicans; fear of crime, opposition to abortion, low taxes.