Assorted Assertions VI: Eye of the Tiger

Assorted Assertions VI: Eye of the Tiger
by Dave Munger

"Who remembers the Armenians?"
- Adolph Hitler

Al Gore has taken pains to show that he is in favor of People and against Power, which reminds me of the seldom denied assumption that people are good and power is bad. In fact, power is good and people are bad. This is no mere misanthropic Mungerism; It's solid Western Judeo-Christian objective thinking. Does power commit theft, arson, murder, and perjury, or do people?

I'd like to see the meanings of the word "bastard" fused together, so that it always indicates a person with the type of personality one is likely to develop without a father.

You know how when Arnold Schwartzenegger kills a guy in a movie, he says some little throw-away line? Like he'll set someone on fire and then say, "What a hothead". In his next movie, I'd like to see him break a guitar over someone's head and then say, "Kabong". Incidentally, does Schwartzenegger mean "black negro"?

Medical researchers apply the scientific method. They expose rats and monkeys to some substance, then measure a specific effect of the exposure on a particular part or function of the animal. When the press reports on the researchers results, the public insists on translating these results into imperative form; "Do not eat eggs" or "Eat eggs". When later research finds that something high in fiber aggravates ulcers, or some carcinogen is also an anti-oxidant, the researchers are perceived as having given us contradictory orders, thus frustrating our attempts at obedience.

Most of the trouble with the National Missile Defense program at this time seems to be due to patently absurd attempts to invent a system for distinguishing warheads from decoys (reminiscent of attempts to produce computers that read handwriting). As I recall, in the early days of SDI (before the prefix "smart" was taken for granted), relatively cheap systems were proposed that would destroy warheads and decoys alike with a spray of simple metal slugs, like a big orbital shotgun.

Does Haddasah Leiberman seem like a peripheral character on a 70s sitcom to anyone else? Can't you just picture her hassling Archie Bunker about getting a blood transfusion from a Puerto Rican or something? Man, sitcoms were horrible in the 70s. It's like they were intentionally depressing.

Value systems are not unordered lists of values. They are hierarchies of goods prioritized by a betrayal principle. Each value (usually a person or a principle) can only be betrayed for the sake of a higher value. One value is necessarily the highest, thus absolute. It must not be betrayed, and one must be willing to betray anything else for it's sake. Recognition of anything as your personal absolute is true worship. This is the essence of monotheism, which is the true moral relativism, recognizing that there can by definition be only one absolute, and that everything else is then relative to that absolute. Incidentally, since there can only be one absolute, recognition of a thing as absolute does not make it the absolute, any more that my choosing to recognize Alan Keys as president would make him the president.

They should make shirts out of terrycloth. They would be really comfortable.

Further suggestions for the name of your new band: Year Zero, Minarchy, Nintendo Adolescent Uprising, Jack Hammer and the Protestants, Free Coffee, Big Money Sex Conspiracy, DJ Ice Cream and MC Kool Aid. (Publisher's Pick: The Janitors of Anarchy)

The phrase, "Contemplate the Minimal State" would make a good T-shirt. Get on that.

My usual objections to hyphenated-American designations hit a snag when it comes to the term German-American. We are a hereditarily peculiar people, and some designation is necessary to differentiate us from normal people. Kraut or Teuton would probably be better than German-American though. There is an innate sense of deep difference among people of Teutonic extraction that makes us suspect that non- superficial racial traits characterize other ethnic groups as well. Thus the Germans invented anthropology and psychology, to investigate these notions and to figure themselves out.

Irish people are not funny.

I was just watching a little Batman (which is an excellent cartoon, as is Superman and Warner Brothers cartoons in general), and Catwoman just stole another small gold statue of a cat. It seems she does little else. Just how common are priceless cat statues small enough to carry? If you're some kind of museum curator taking the Golden Cat of Samarkand on some kind of King Tut style tour of the country and one of the stops is Gotham city, don't you kind of assume Catwoman is going to show up in the dead of night? And how about these guys who come after Batman with a lead pipe? Haven't they heard of him? They must all think that the reason no one ever defeated Batman before is that none of them had pipe.