The Democrats Dictionary

The Democrats Dictionary
by Dave Munger

Abortion: The form of birth control most deserving of federal funds. Must be spoken of only with great solemnity, but otherwise treated the same as a normal birth control technique.

Authority: The right to coerce. Earned either by moral certainty or by polls indicating popular support by the non-voting majority.

Bipartisanship: The next best thing to one-party rule.

Censorship: Dissent with authorities as to which books children should be forced to read.

Condom: Best form of birth control as it allows sex without trust or acknowledgment of mutual risks. Prevents perversion and retards the intimacy that can lead to troublesomely atavistic nuclear families. So prohibitively expensive that no one can buy their own. Somehow completely unavailable unless provided by the State.

Constitution: 1. Intangible entity by which the State is able to determine intuitively what rights it will grant its subjects. Often confused with: 2. Actual, largely static document which purports to dictate the "proper" way to conduct matters of State. Written in such opaquely complex phraseology that only nine living people can interpret it. Often taken literally by ultra-right-wing reactionaries. (See Gridlock)

Compassion: 1. Political strategy of buying votes and loyalty by redistributing the confiscated property of scapegoats. 2. (Archaic) Spontaneous concern for the well being of an individual, on the part of another human being.

Cruelty: Treating animals differently than humans.

Education: Means by which the State empowers female children and curbs the destructive phalocentric tendencies of males. Especially important in a democracy, to insure that the electorate votes properly.

Ethics: 1.Opposite of morality (grounded in self-esteem rather than humility). 2. Unwritten law by which intellectuals govern their behavior. Ethics vary according to group allegiance, but can always be determined by graduates of ethics courses.

Fanaticism: Unneccesary philosophical consistency.

God: 1. Synonym for the State. 2. Ringleader of global reactionary phalocentric fanatic movement, and purveyor of the only pornography so vile the State must protect people from it. 3. Sometimes useful word if used in a meaningless context.

Gridlock: System of checks and balances instated by vaginaless Caucasians to impede progress. (See Constitution)

Hypocrite: 1. Anyone who participates in something they claim to be opposed to. For instance: someone who says they don't like feces, and is later caught defecating. 2. Any fanatical practitioner of religion. (See Fanaticism)

Judgmental: Any criticism from a member of a group known to be composed of bigoted worthless hypocrites.

Morality: Lowbrow populist substitute for ethics. Requires less education, but more religious training, often of an unsavory Judeo-Christian variety. (See Judgmental)

Mother: 1. Synonym for the State. 2. A voter obsessed with the soccer matches of non-taxpayers. (See woman)

Murder: The act of killing a warm-blooded organism that is able to scream. Illegal in some states without a note from a physician.

Patriot: One who is grateful to the government for providing a free education.

Perversion: Any sexual act in which the partners trust one another more than the State, allow a chance for pregnancy to occur, bring a penis into direct contact with a vagina, or have anything in mind other than physical pleasure.

Pregnancy: Biological imperialism.

Prejudice: Belief in stereotypes that are not sanctioned by authorities.

Republican: 1. Member of a small minority of extremely wealthy bunny-stompers. 2. Member of a large majority of xenophobic, carnivorous, ignorant, trailer park dwelling Garth Brooks fans.

Society: 1. Synonym for the State. 2. Total set of causes for all negative behaviors in individuals. Must be eliminated.

Village: Synonym for the State.

Woman: 1. Crypto-feminist. 2. Voter so receptive to education that her support can be counted on, even if you drop your pants and say "Kiss it". 3. Breeder. 4. A type of voter best appealed to by fear and compassion. 5. Gynecologicaly- endowed-American.

Y: A chromosome that must be apologized for when it appears in conjunction with heterosexuality and melanin-deficiency.

Zoo: Concentration camp for quadruped-Americans