Additions to the Democrats' Dictionary

Additions to the Democrats' Dictionary
by Dave Munger

ART: A federal program encouraging the development of ideological Rorsach tests to flush out reactionaries, arch-conservatives, and other thought-criminals.

ATTACK: To disagree with someone's political position, as in "The senators attacked the first lady's plan on the grounds that something similar failed when Mao tried it". Formerly used only in reference to Republican opposition to Democratic proposals, now used to dramatise all partisan opposition to any proposal, as in "partisan attacks".

BIRTH: The actual precise moment when the head clears the vagina, the soul enters the body, and a lump of inanimate flesh becomes a living human being. This process is instantaneous, total, and self-evident. No evidence is required, and belief in this phenomenon is a universal, secular, and incontestable. Failure to believe this indicates religious fanaticism, and a desire to interfere in the private sex lives of individuals.

CONSCIENCE: Statute.

DEPARTMENT: Means of expressing concern. If any party is concerned about an issue, they must support the creation and eternal perpetuation of a corresponding federal department. For example, if one were to oppose the creation of a Federal Department of Motherhood, this would reveal opposition to motherhood on one's part.

ENGLISH: Former language of narrow-minded oppressors, now being reformed for use as an instrument of re-education.

EXPERT: Someone with a degree in a subject that has to do with science, and that leads those who study it to take fashionable positions on political issues, but that provides little or no objective basis for these positions. Examples: Bio-ethicists, ecologists, psychologists.

EXTINCT: When a type of life form can no longer be found in a particular environment. For instance, wolves are extinct in New York city, camels are extinct throughout the Americas, and chickens are entirely extinct in the wild.

FREE: 1. Anything you have to pay for whether you want it or not, as in "free public education". 2. Anything that the government allows you to do as long it is in the best interest of The People, as in "free speech".

GREED: Belief in absolute property rights; or, failure to recognise that since all cash is printed by the federal government, it belongs to the federal government, which allows the private sector to use it, but reserves the right to take it back at any time for any reason.

INDIVIDUALITY: 1. Allegiance to and conformity with one's own individual sub-cultural and or demographic group, overriding one's loyalty to larger entities such as God, country, universally recognized principles, and civilization as a whole. 2. Weird clothes.

KILL: Hypothetical dissolution of a government program. If a program were killed, it would be completely defunded, and actually cease to exist. Some anarchists and fellow travelers propose killing all federal programs whose existence is forbidden by the text of the Constitution.

LAW: Those statutes that judges choose to enforce.

MAN: A human of the three legged variety. The behavior of mans (or men) is determined by uncontrollable gland-driven impulses. This assumption makes it necessary for statutes to protect The People from men, but also can be used to excuse virtually any act committed by certain individual men.

NATION: The federal government; territory controlled by the federal government.

PEOPLE, THE: The rhetorically useful imaginary American peasant class. The very young and the very old are easily convinced that they are a part of The People.

PROPERTY: Material wealth, especially in the form of land, that society allows individuals to "own", or use as long as certain conditions are met: rent ("property tax" or "income tax") is payed to the state, the "owner" obtains permission from the state before using the property in any significant way that might affect it's value, and as long as it is not in the interest of any level of the government to seize the property.

RACIST: 1. One who questions the necessity, wording, intent, or possible unintended consequences of any existing or proposed legislation that mandates different government policies concerning racial minorities. 2. Any caucasian man who does not prove himself innocent of racism by supporting the policies of Democrats.

QUALM: Our opponents' main type of weakness. Qualms make it difficult for them to brainwash children or capitalize on human suffering.

SLASH: Term borrowed from appliance salespersons who affect a facade of insanity in order to claim that their prices are irrationally low. Indicates a reduction in the projected future increase in spending on a federal program.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THE: See Bill Clinton.

ZOOM: The sound of Democrats rushing to defend a woman's right to choose, providing that she chooses to have an abortion, and she does not want to choose her own physician, how and where her children are educated, what kind of car she will be permitted to drive, or how she will use her own property.