Blame America, Blame Canada, Blame the Beer

Blame America, Blame Canada, Blame the Beer
by Heather Roscoe

“Do you know what your president said to my prime minister?” She said, looking at me hard. I sat uncomfortably on her desk and squirmed in anticipation of the answer. She continued, “He grabbed him by the shirt collar and said, ‘Pearson, you’ve pissed on my carpet!’” I had been experiencing conversations like these for the past four months, and I still dreaded them.

“Which president said this?” I asked.

“Lynden B. Johnson,” came the reply.

Sigh of relief, “Ha! That explains everything!”

I had long been under the impression that our friendly neighbors to the North loved and admired us. What I found after moving there is that they don’t like being called ‘frozen northerners’ and they aren’t always friendly. I loved my Canadian comrades because they helped me to accomplish one of my goals: to see America in a different light, to get a new and unusual perspective.

Growing up, I didn’t think about Canadians one way or the other. Always considered a neutral country, I thought that the Canadians were mild and quiet and slightly dull. When someone did mention them I called them peaceful hosers and left it at that. Big mistake.

Canadian/ U.S. relations didn’t become noticeably strained until the 1950s when Wisconsin Sen. Joseph McCarthy began firing communist accusations at high-profile Canadians. This potential fire was drenched in gasoline in the early ‘60s when Kennedy asked Canada to put the NORAD forces on alert to prepare for the likely event of a conflict. Prime Minister Diefenbaker alerted the troops at once but delayed telling President Kennedy for three days.

Diefenbaker was annoyed at the U.S. president’s aggressive demands of the Soviet Union. Kennedy’s infuriation at the delay was heightened by Diefenbaker failure to tell him immediately after his troops were prepared. After that, Canadian and U.S. leaders eyed each other suspiciously.

Then there was the Philadelphia incident. After Kennedy’s assassination, our nation was unfortunate enough to be overtaken by Lynden Johnson, a vulgar, bad tempered brute of a man from Texas. Johnson, who cared nothing for anyone but his miserable self, became enraged when Canadian Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson gave a speech in Philadelphia, urging the United States to put down its arms and try and maneuver a peace settlement with Vietnam. After the speech, the enraged Johnson invited Pearson to Camp David where he surprised Pearson by grasping him by the collar and yelling the infamous words into his face.

“You guys suck!” She screamed at me, “You go around shooting people, murdering your children, well you’re the ones who deserve to be shot! The same way that you shoot people in other countries!”

“What other countries are you thinking of?” I asked.

“Kosovo, Iraq, Vietnam... why can’t you leave these people alone and let them settle their own differences?” She replied.

“The only reason why we ‘help’ anyone settle their own differences is because we’re protecting our own investments. Can you blame us?”

“You all deserve to die!” She growled, then walked away.

Recently, the Molson Brewing company invented with a new hero for Canadians: Joe Canada. The Associated Press’ Tom Cohen writes about the new Canadian hero, “A Canadian everyman stands before a maple-leaf flag and rants about igloos, blubber and hockey -- a formula that has tapped Canada’s patriotism and turned a beer commercial into a sensation.”

Joe Canada says, among other things, “I believe in peacekeeping, not policing; diversity not assimilation.” Joe can only be talking about the United States and its rather nasty tactics. Let’s admit, the U.S. is in a ruthless business that spreads its products and goods, thus making everyone else just like us.

As Americans, we don’t often realize how much of an imprint our culture has on other nations. Most of Canada looks virtually the same as the United States. Canadian stores sell the same goods, ‘Canadian’ cars are actually American ones with the miles switched to kilometers on the dash board, Canadians eat the same food (with the exception of Ketchup chips and French fries dipped in white vinegar) and they speak the same language (no, they don’t say ‘aboot’). What do Canadians have that they can truly claim as their own? Molson Beer, better hockey teams, bi-lingual children, flashing green traffic lights and the royal Canadian Mounted Police. Not much, but it’s something, I suppose.

Expressions of pride come in many different forms. Canadian pride used to be subdued and reserved. That is changing, however, with the younger generation. They are becoming outspoken about their national pride and their distaste for all things American. Even the word ‘American’ bothers them to no end. They are American too...North American. I’m not sure now what to call the inhabitants of the United States anymore. The suggestions that some Canadians gave are not printable, I suppose we could be called ‘statespeople’ or perhaps U.S.’ers. Yank is a popular one.

Really, the entire thing has the potential to get out of hand. Canadians need to lighten up and look for their identity, but they need to realize that hating the U.S. won’t solve anything. Americans should attempt to be a bit more understanding. Insulting their accent is rather juvenile, don’t you think, eh?