Later Nader!

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Later Nader!
by Heather Roscoe

Ralph Nader has been a pebble in the corporate boot for nearly twenty years now. And he's about to do some more damage.

Nader The Crusader

In the 60's and 70's Nader's contribution to the safety of the American people was undeniable. Being notoriously anti-establishment, Nader made it his vendetta to catch American corporations - sworn to making money even if it means hurting the little people - in their filthy dealings and bring them to justice.

Among Nader's accomplishments are the publication of his book Unsafe at Any Speed, which challenged the auto industry's dirty dealings and cheap cars. The sheep - like acceptance that the public displayed in the 50's changed after Unsafe at Any Speed graced the bookshelves.

Nader also rallied the public to rebel against occupational hazards, food preservatives and radiation - a few things among many. Forming a group of notoriously aggressive and underpaid lawyers, dubbed "Nader's Raiders," he made major changes in consumer safety in the 60's and 70's, but fizzled out in the 80's.

The Strangeness of Nader

A secretive man, Nader is rumored to have somewhat Amish tendencies. After the publication of his book Nader lived in a boarding house with a rent of $80 per month. Evidently his landlady was scared to raise the rent on him. Those few people who saw Nader's living quarters have recollections of filing cabinets and a bed, but not much else. Thus, Nader's monk-like living awarded him the title "Saint Ralph".

Naughty Nader

However, "Saint Ralph" is not as saintly as he might seem.

Evidence of gross hypocrisy has come to light. All of us have a little bit of the despicable in us (most of it is excusable). Nader, however, seems to have become exactly what he hates...a politician.

"The enigma to me is that Nader attacks all sorts of people, saying that as soon as they get into Government they are co-opted, and he would never do it because he sees how corrupt Government is. Then in his next breath he says the only thing we should be working for this year is a consumer-protection agency. I want to know who he expects to staff it"
-Congresswoman Patricia Schroeder, whom Nader called a "mushy liberal."

"I have a personal distaste for the trappings of modern politics, in which incumbents and candidates daily extol their own inflated virtues, paint complex issues with trivial brush strokes..."
-Ralph Nader in his statement announcing his candidacy for the Green Party's nomination for president.

Nader continued to say in his statement that he is unable to watch corrupt politicians in office any more, he's going to rescue us!

Thank you Nader.

If Nader Were President

The dangers of having Ralph Nader as president are strange, but valid. He'd probably make us all eat wheat germ; if he knew how much paper I wasted printing out his seven page statement announcing his candidacy for the Green Party nomination he would be appalled.

The man leads a difficult life with a grueling lecture schedule, late hours studying cases and digging up incriminating evidence on everything from hot-dogs to colored toilet paper. He has lived like a monk for years, giving up normal comforts for stark necessities, and he expects his employees to be just as dedicated. He will not ask anyone to do anything that he hasn't done or is incapable of doing. Unfortunately, he is capable of doing quite a lot and has extremely high expectations for his staff, his voters, and if he's the president, his citizens.

Some of the things that Nader advocates are group buying, and shifting the trend of what he calls "conspicuous consumption." According to Nader, changing our consumption habits "will require a collective shift from a culture that seeks value and purpose in 'things' to one that nurtures civic engagement." In other words, from now on, fun will be restricted to attending county planning meetings and learning how to grow acorn squash.

If Nader were in office we would immediately have numerous rules and regulations instated to protect us from ourselves. Which brings me to...

Nader the Protector

The problem is that there is a sort of fatherly arrogance about the man that is disturbing. It's almost as if we are unable to care for ourselves, so daddy Ralph will take care of us, spoon-feed us our pasteurized apple juice and change our biodegradable diapers. Maybe we could even get him to sing us lullaby's over the radio at night.

Actually, Nader does have his good points. If it weren't for Nader we'd still be driving cars with light-colored dashboards. He works well as a consumer advocate, hopefully that's all he'll ever be.

Ralph Nader, with his ever-shifting approval percentage, has the opportunity to run a la Ross Perot and siphon votes away from Al Gore. Maybe Gore and Nader could team up. Can you imagine what the world would be like with Gore and Nader both in executive positions?

We'd all have to wear canvass shoes, be forced to eat tofu, bow every time we walk past a tree...

Oy! See you later, Nader!