Stork Parking is for the Birds

Stork Parking is for the Birds
by Lisa Woerly

Or perhaps I 've been blind to this phenomenon because I hate shopping and go to stores as little as humanly possible. Regardless of the reason for my ignorance, it has now been discovered and let's just say that I am not happy with what I see.

Good God Almighty, there are "expectant mother" parking places at some establishments now. Whose harebrained idea was that? A mother who's had to walk one parking lot too many during her eighth month, or a whipped man who's trying to get in good with America's matriarchs?

I went to my local Hy-Vee over the weekend, and I was shocked at my good fortune of nabbing a parking space so close to the front door. I smugly pulled in, tickled pink with myself, and then stopped in bewilderment. Before me was a cute little sign with a picture of a stork carrying a bundled baby and the notice "New and Expectant Mother Parking Only." I dutifully pulled out and parked somewhere else. Then the shock wore off and the boxing gloves came on.

Pregnant women and women with new babies do not deserve special treatment. Less than one hundred years ago women routinely worked in the fields until hours before delivery. Now even that's a little harsh for me, but it serves a point. Women are tough, and we do not deserve special treatment for going through gestation and birth (just ask the HMOs that toss new mothers out on their keisters twenty-four hours after giving birth). Elastic waistbands in our pants, loose shoes, and a good stretch mark cream should suffice.

After leaving Hy-Vee, I went driving around for about an hour looking for these signs. My ice cream was a little mushy when I got home, but my half-baked research turned up something interesting. Only "high-end" stores like Hy-Vee and the BMW-infested mall parking lot had these parking spaces designated. Stores like Wal-Mart and SuperSaver (a local "low-end" grocery store chain) did not have these parking spaces. Target had them, Kmart did not. Interesting.

I cannot find any state or federal legislation for these stork parking spaces; they seem to be voluntary. If this is so, why are "high-end" stores the only stores that are participating? The conspiracy-nut in me says it's because women with money are considered to be categorically more important to our country's financial and intellectual advancement than are poorer women. Coddle the women who count, ease their discomfort, help take a load off of their weary feet. Poor pregnant women who shop at Wal-Mart will just have to park two miles away from the front doors like the rest of us. Maybe Target is hipper to their customers' needs than Wal-Mart is, and that's why stores like Target and Hy-Vee have voluntarily posted these stork parking signs. But I am sure that the Wal-Marts of America are not far behind from posting their own signs; after all, America's largest chain store can't be viewed as politically incorrect. (Just say no, Wal-Mart! Refuse to bow down to peer pressure!)

Or maybe it has nothing to do with a woman's financial status at all. Maybe this is a subversive plan by the pro-Family fanatics to encourage women to go forth and multiply. Make my life easier by giving me special privileges and I just might pop out a little nipper or two myself (I'm still burning over that child tax credit issue, and this stork parking insanity just adds fuel to the fire).

This "politically correct" craze is once again going too far. If pregnant women get to park close to a building, then I will lobby for special parking for all women carrying a size-14 booty around all day. Or special parking for women who are prematurely gray. Or for women whose childhood pony threw them into a creek bed and messed up their knee for life. I want a special parking space too, damn it, and I'll create a way to get it.

Bottom line, we do ourselves a disservice when we give pregnant women special status. Pregnant women are hearty creatures and they should be treated as the sturdy beings that they are. If I were pregnant or a new mom, I would refuse to park in these spots solely on principle. How dare someone presuppose that I am too weak to walk thirty feet to a grocery store? (Not to mention that you do far more walking in a grocery store! - Pub/Ed)

Tear down these stork parking signs. Pregnant women are not handicapped and they do not need special treatment. Pregnancy is not a disability, and these stork parking spaces are a slap in the face to every legitimate disabled American who needs and deserves parking privileges.