Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?

Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?
by Lisa Woerly

Extortion is thriving in America's offices. But it's not a strong-armed Godfather-type of extortion--"Give me $500 a week or else I'll size you for cement shoes"--this extortion is subtle, devious and politically motivated. It's overt in nature, and at times you'll find yourself scratching your head wondering if you just got taken for a ride.

There are approximately 800 employees in my company's Nebraska office. Besides my daily run-ins with busybodies, I find myself constantly dodging solicitations. My son is selling popcorn for his Boy Scout troop. My niece is selling dollar-bags of M&Ms to raise money for library books. Nick's wife just had a baby so we're getting a gift. Margaret's stepfather is in the hospital so we're collecting money for flowers. Greg's car needs new tires--care to contribute to his fund? The requests never cease. Infinite solicitation demands was the only work hazard missing from the brilliant and frighteningly accurate cult movie Office Space.

Uncle Sam already has his greedy little fist wrapped around my paychecks; I don't need to fend off the flower collection money for Margaret's stepfather too. I feel like I'm being forced to keep an envelope of ones in my desk to keep up with the extortion (oops--contribution) demand around here.

One might say, "Well, then, Lisa, just don't give money." Ah, but it's not that simple! Refuse to play along and you're branded an outsider. You're not seen as a team player. And playing the politics game is everything in Corporate America. If you don't play well with others, you don't move up in the company. It is an unspoken mandate that you must happily give money to anyone who's in middle management or above for whatever reason. Not contributing is seen as an act of treason; people will whisper behind your back and will avoid eye contact with you in the halls. But it's not just management who you must kowtow to with your dollars. These days, your department secretary could become your boss. I once made the grievous error of ignoring a subordinate's request that I buy Girl Scout cookies from her daughter. A year later she was promoted and for a time I reported directly to her. Hell hath no fury like a woman denied ten dollars for four boxes of her daughter's Girl Scout cookies. I kissed the floor when I found out she was going to work for a competitor.

And don't think for a minute that these are isolated incidences. True story: A friend of mine works for a small software company that has about 50 employees. She gets cornered for contributions more times than Jimmy Swaggart has been caught in the company of hookers. A beloved mail clerk who's worked for her company since its inception went in for a vasectomy this spring. The usual jokes about shooting blanks circulated around and the man took it all in stride. He was fun and easygoing, so everyone loved him.

But do you think people took up a collection for him? Contributed money for flowers or to keep him stocked in gauze padding for his boxers while he recuperated? No. The poor guy didn't get so much as a Hope Your Swelling Subsides Soon card. The extortion syndicate callously ignored the plight of Blank Man, but they wasted no time passing around an envelope for Boob Woman.

Boob Woman decided that she had had enough of walking around with double-Ds every day, so she scheduled reduction surgery. She's a director at my friend's company, so her days are spent surfing the internet, emailing jokes, and occasionally barking at her people to get back to work. Insurance was going to cover her reduction surgery because of "back problems" (Blank Man had to pay for his vasectomy out-of-pocket because insurance considered it elective). The director gave graphic accounts of the forthcoming surgery and recuperation to her subordinates and to anyone else she could corner in the breakroom. An envelope reached my friend's desk one afternoon. She was mortified to find inside a card and a note stating that money was being collected to buy Boob Woman a care package for her recuperation. She signed the card, ignored the money request, and tossed the envelope on the desk next to hers. She found out later that Boob Woman had received a huge bouquet of flowers, fancy lotions, and a Victoria's Secret 36C bra.

Blank Man gets cheap jokes and Boob Woman wins the lottery. I guess it's all in who you are and what you do. But be careful. Blank Man just may be your boss one day. Hell hath no fury like a man with sore cojones.

And for now, I'll just have to start keeping a stash of ones in my desk to fend off the extortion syndicate.